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I never felt alone til I met you
Written at 4:04 p.m. on Saturday, Feb. 09, 2002

I cant believe its 4:00 in the afternoon and I am basically just waking up. Last night was a long night...hell, yesterday was a long day.

It started off spending most of my day with "MrDiamond". Since I am a little apprehensive (to say the least) about going to the doctor's office I asked him to come with me. It was nice to have a friendly, familiar face there while I sat nervously waiting. He even held my hand while they took blood. That was so sweet. He is so sweet! Afterwards, we went down to the Marine base to pick up his perscription. That was fun for me. It was like looking at a bunch of life-size G.I. Joe dolls...can you say GRRRRRR!

After I dropped "MrDiamond" off at his house, I met up with "MrBigDaddy" at "Cheers" for a few drinks. He was only going to stay for an hour or two but it ended up to be much later. When the bar closed, we went over to "MsPixie"'s house to hang out for a bit. She was a little drunk (to say the least) and fell asleep (passed out) shortly after we got there. I was quickly reminded there that he is an immature, schizophrenic, mind fucking man-pig. Needless to say, he played me...bigtime! So we left and I took him back to his car at about 5am. I couldnt wait to leave and get home by that point.

I am very aware that I cause my own grief and unhappiness. I have been doing the same dance with "MrBigDaddy" and "Pitcherboy" for a while now and I think its time for me to sit this dance out...permanently. I have come to the realization that no matter how hard you try or hope, a zebra will always have stripes and that will never change. There is so much bliss and enjoyment out there for me waiting to be found and I cant keep spending my time in misery. For so long now I have been attempting to get back to the person I used to be many years ago, only to find out that I didnt really like that person to begin with and I am much better off being who I am now. Time to shed the facade.

"MrBigDaddy" informed me last night that he has read the few diary entries I have. I dont know whether to believe him or not. I kinda hope he and "Pitcherboy" do read these. They are things that I want them to know yet have been having trouble saying to their faces. I doubt "Pitcherboy" will read these being as he doesnt have the mental capability of turning a computer on, much less pulling up a web page and reading it. But if they both do, I hope they know this...I AM DONE! I am walking away for good this time. I dont have the patience or the heart anymore to deal with them. I am making myself unhappy and my friends that care too much to see me so unhappy. I want to feel the sunlight on my face again and the wind underneath my wings. I need to fly again. They cant keep clipping my wings. I tried to be friends with both of them and it didnt work...there is too much animosity and hard feelings there to be their friends and I dont think either one of them deserve my friendship. I need to close the door to this part of my life and not look back. I am going to be strong and move forward with open eyes. NO REGRETS!

"I know you have a little life in you yet, I know you have a lot of strength left."

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