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No longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from
Written at 10:46 p.m. on Tuesday, Feb. 12, 2002

Why is it that with some people you can talk until you are blue in the face and they just dont comprehend what you are saying?

That would sum up the blank, confused look on "MrBigDaddy"'s face this afternoon as I kindly explained to him that I dont want anything to do with him anymore. I told him that all I want from him is a "good morning" on the way in and a "good night" on his way out every day...oh, and that he pay his cell phone bill with me every month on time.

I dont know exactly what happened with us. Months ago, I wrote him a long "Dear John" letter telling him how I felt. The very next day, we both mutually agreed that we would forget that the letter existed and never bring it up again. The letter was written in an angry, drunken stupor and not every thing in it reflected how I felt. So, he tells me today that most of our problems stem from that letter. I enjoyed the way things were with us months ago. I didnt want to be his girlfriend and I gave him plenty of space to prove it. I never questioned him on where he's been or who he talks to.

As I look back, the only fault I can see is that I made it too easy for him. Dont get me wrong, I am not trying to play the victim here. I just think that I gave him everything and didnt expect anything in return. He is a taker and when he gives back, he is a materialistic giver. It would have been nice just once to be given something emotionally. Emotionally, he has kept a wall up and never let me in...which he blames me for. He is so scarred from his previous relationships that it isnt even funny. He is not emotionally ready for a relationship right now and I always knew that.

When I told him today that I didnt want to have anything to do with him, it felt so good. Not only because I finally had the courage to say it to his face, but more so because as the words were slipping through my lips I realized that I truly meant what I was saying . Before I dont think I whole-heartedly meant it. This time I did and I wanted him to know that this time I was done and this time I was following through. I've always been the kind of person to never follow through with the threats I make. Now when people take advantage of me, I only have myself to blame for letting them. A very good friend of mine once told me that if I keep allowing guys to walk all over me, then those are the only guys I am going to attract. I think he was right.

There comes a time in every relationship (and a friendship is a relationship) where you have to take stock in things and weigh out if this relationship is help or harm. At this point he is more harm. A friendship shouldnt be this hard. And he makes it harder. He intentionally tries to get under my skin, he admitted that to me today. What kind of friend does that? No one I want to be friends with.

Well, why is it that when you say "what else can happen?" something worse always happens. On Tuesdays, "MsMoHoney" comes over and watches Roswell with me. I know, I know...its like Dawson's Creek meets the X-files, but its good. Besides, have you seen hot Max is? Well, after Roswell there was a knock on my door. I peek out to make sure its not little green men and notice that its Orange County Sheriff. No significant difference there. He is coming regarding a call he received from one of my neighbors about the noise level coming from my apartment. Well, I am astonished that anyone would complain. I am hardly ever there and I was so quiet. Even the cop said so. So, after the cop leaves "MsMoHoney" thinks it would be hilarious to jump loudly on the floor. Calling the cops wasnt bad enough...do I need to get evicted as well? I have to face these people everyday...she doesnt.

Anyway, I think tonight is a Valium night. I just need to sleep it all off and start over anew tomorrow. Although, I cant be held responsible if somehow a big flaming bag of poo lands on my neighbors doorstep. (Did I say that out loud?)

"If you could feel the pain your confusion has caused me, you would have stopped before you spoke. Listening to lies, the pain doesnt suit me."

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