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All cried out...over you
Written at on Friday, Feb. 15, 2002

If know I have said more than once that I should've stayed home tonight. THIS TIME I REALLY SHOULD HAVE!

Oh, tonight was bad...very bad. I hit an all time low tonight. It was like a bloody car wreck. You dont want to look at it, yet you cant help it as you drive by.

After work "MsAngelic" came to my work. We were going to get our nails done but instead we went with "MrBigDaddy" to "Cheers". That was mistake #1 of my night. By the end there were about four hundred fifty thousand two hundred and thirteen mistakes.

It all went sour about two buttery nipples, three Smirnoff ices and three red headed sluts later. I am usually a very happy drunk. So was not the case tonight. I felt like I spent my night isolated from my friends...like I was on the outside looking in. I could see and hear...but no one could see or hear me. Twice I was left outside by him after he told me he would be right out. Both times when I went in, all he could say was "I'm so sorry, I forgot!" Then "MrDiamond" called and I started feeling worse. Here I am at a bar that I frequent where I know just about 90 percent of the people and I am breaking down crying. "MrTightButt" bought me a rose to make me stop crying and "MrJohnnyAngel" took me outside and let me cry on his shoulder for what felt like forever. I had never felt so alone yet so conforted before. Then to top it all off, I heard about a nasty little comment that "MrBigDaddy" said about me. What a piece of shit, immature, mind-fucking man pig. I think I have said that before about him.

He actually had the nerve to walk up to me as I had "MrGIJoe" on the phone and over heard me say that someone had yelled at me. He rubs my face and tells me to stop crying, that I am too beautiful to cry. Does he not get it? He is my whole reason behind the flood gates.

So, we drove to "MrHawaii50"'s. In the car he kept pleading with me to tell him what is wrong and why I am so upset with him. I didnt want to go there with him, not now. So I ignored him. He asked me if I could still be his friend. I told him that honestly I do not think I could be his friend anymore. I told him that it's too much effort to be his friend and it shouldnt be like that. Somehow, I dont think he believes me. I am sure he is thinking that come Monday when the alcohol has worn off, that he will have the old me back. Not a chance! I meant every word I said tonight. It really hit me when we were sitting in my car at about 3 am, and he went to rub my face and my instinct was to pull away. I didnt pull away to play hard to get or to show my anger. It was because I didnt want him to touch me. I didnt want him to touch me...it was that simple. The last thing he said to me was that we were going to be eighty years old and still kicking back and hanging out. NOT HAPPENING!

So I have one final thing to say here and then my babbling is done. I do not know this friend of his that reads my diary and passes it on to him. But, if you are reading this, please pass on this...I am completely sober right now and I meant everything I said. Being friends is an impossibility. Work is work and I will be professional and polite to him. I will never be out right rude. We will never be close friends, good friends, or even friends at all. So pass that on and please allow me the closure I need and not read my diary anymore.

"I'm gonna be strong, I'll let you go your own way. but you'll never know darling after you kiss me goodbye...how I'll break down and cry"

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