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I still havent found what I'm looking for
Written at on Sunday, Jun. 02, 2002

Well today was totally boring yet so relaxing. I didnt go anywhere and I didnt do a damn thing all day. I spent about 90% of my day on the phone with "Ms2inchman". I was supposed to go to a sports bar with her and another friend to watch the Laker's game but didnt. I dont know why but I just havent really felt like going out too much lately.

I know that I havent exactly had the most juiciest of tales to tell lately. Hopefully, I will soon. I am just taking a sabatical away from all of the melodrama that had started to cloud my life. I have come to the conclusion that I cant and wont sacrafice my happiness to tiptoe around someone else. I am not complaining though, I have really enjoyed spending so much time away from "Cheers" and being alone with myself. But even I am getting tired of hanging out with me.

I complain that my life is so stagnant but I am doing nothing to change that. A good friend told me not too long ago to just "shut up and do it!". I may have to take his advice.

I just look at all the people around me and they are all leaving..."MsAngelic" is moving to Milwaukee, "MrCostanza" is moving back to Maryland, "Downstairsgirl" is moving back to Seattle. Everyone is going somewhere. I am starting to get the seven year itch being in California. I dont think it was a mistake moving here. I think there was a purpose for me moving here and I think now that purpose has been served and I need to move on and start living. I think I have been grasping at straws too long looking for a reason to stay in California...and I cant find even one.

I have so many things that I could be doing right now. My cousin in Colorado wants me to move up to the Rocky Mountains and live with her. My aunt in Washington is sending me some info in hopes that I will look into moving up there. Every time I talk to my mother back in Baltimore, she begs and pleads with me to move back home. Even my dearest "MsAngelic" has graciously offered to open her home to me when she gets settled in in Milwaukee. So I have plenty of options available to me. I just wish there was a coin with four sides for me to toss.

I am also afraid that I just have a case of "the grass is greener on the other side" syndrome. I just miss my family. I havent seen my mother in about 6 years and I feel without family support out here. Sure, I work for my family here but its like there is no family structure there...we have more of a employee/employer relationship. I spend a majority of my holidays with my friends and their families.

I am sure the answer will come to me eventually. I just have to keep looking for it. Well, I think I am done venting for now.

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