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Its under my skin but out of my hands
Written at 9:10 p.m. on Monday, Jun. 10, 2002

Well, today was the day that I had been dreading for so long. My doctor called me regarding my MRI results. My worst fear came true. He told me that it was Multiple Sclerosis. My heart dropped in my chest, it may have even stopped at that exact moment.

My family here tried to be supportive and at first they were, but by the end of the day "MsMenopause" was her normal self. Reminds me why I need to get out of California. I have no family support here and that is what I need right now. I talked to my mother for a while today. She keeps asking me why I dont move back home. I love her, I want to be with her...I just cant go back there. I just cant get her to understand that it has nothing to do with her.

After work, I went with "MsMoHoney" out to dinner. It helped me take my mind off of things for a while. Thank the gods that I do have good friends out here that somewhat make up for the lack of family.

I called my aunt up in Washington when I got home. I told her I want to pack up my things and be there tomorrow...if I could. But I have to be realistic here. I dont have a job there, and medical benefits are now a manditory thing. So for now, I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place. I do know that my time in California is up and I need to get out of here.

I thought about my dad alot today. He had MS and died about 8 yrs ago. He had very progressive MS. I wont be like that. I am going to fight until there isnt anything left to fight. I wont succumb to this disease; I am going to come out on top. There is so much more they have learned about this disease since he was diagnosed. There are so many more treatments available. At first, I thought of this diagnosis as a death sentence, but it doesnt have to be. It was a reality shock when I went for my massage today and I filled out paperwork on my health and I had to write down that I have Multiple Sclerosis. Me...I have MS. I never thought in a million years that I would be handed this. I am so petrified! I wont let it get the better of my, yet I still feel so chained by it. I am just going to have to be patient and see how this turns out. Just have to let it all fall where it may.

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