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How will I laugh tomorrow, when I cant even smile today
Written at 11:38 p.m. on Monday, Jul. 15, 2002

I am totally and thoroughly embarrassed. I came home and just hung out for a bit. I got online to check my email. "MrCostanza", now renamed "MrCuriousGeorge" sent me an instant message. Here's how it went...

"MrCuriousGeorge": hey there

mspsyched1: hey right back atcha

"MrCuriousGeorge": I was bad today!

mspsyched1: how so?

"MrCuriousGeorge": I was nosey

mspsyched1: with what?

"MrCuriousGeorge": I was bad!

"MrCuriousGeorge": I was sitting in your computer chair and saw the words "Mr Bunches" and "Mr Cash" so my interest was sparked and I read something I wasn't suppose to!

mspsyched1: waht are you talking about

"MrCuriousGeorge": you left some papers on your computer and I was nosey and should not have been. I am sorry!

mspsyched1: I dont know what you are talking about...It might not be what you are thinking it is

"MrCuriousGeorge": it was some diary pages I think

"MrCuriousGeorge": hand written

mspsyched1: my diary is only online

mspsyched1: not handwritten

"MrCuriousGeorge": well it said Mr Cash on it

"MrCuriousGeorge": and you called me MC this morning

mspsyched1: who is mr cash?

mspsyched1: I SWEAR there is no Mr Cash

mspsyched1: I dont have anyone by that name...I swear

mspsyched1: Trust me, your name is not Mr Cash

"MrCuriousGeorge": well, it said that person would be out of your life in 3 weeks

"MrCuriousGeorge": and it had the song "Fade to Black" on it

"MrCuriousGeorge": that can ONLY be me

"MrCuriousGeorge": I am not leaving your life. Its on me and you to keep the communication up.

"MrCuriousGeorge": And I will be an hour from your hometown

mspsyched1: Everyone is leaving or gone..."MsAngelic", "MrGIjoe"...why do you think it has to be you

"MrCuriousGeorge": 3 weeks........

mspsyched1: I have no idea what you think you read

"MrCuriousGeorge": and "Fade To Black"

mspsyched1: What is up with the fade to black?

"MrCuriousGeorge": who else's favorite song is that?

mspsyched1: How would I know that is your fav song?

mspsyched1: I didnt know that

"MrCuriousGeorge": cause I told you

mspsyched1: no you didnt

"MrCuriousGeorge": lol

"MrCuriousGeorge": ok what did I read then?

"MrCuriousGeorge": you goober

mspsyched1: I dont know what you read...there isnt anything here that sounds like what you read

mspsyched1: why are you reading my shit?

"MrCuriousGeorge": I told you I was being nosey and shouldn't have been.

mspsyched1: what did you read?

"MrCuriousGeorge": two pieces of paper on your computer. I saw "Mr Cash" and "Mr Bunches"

"MrCuriousGeorge": oh well

"MrCuriosGeorge": where did you go?

mspsyched1: I am here, dont know what to say

"MrCuriousGeorge": Well, I don't think it could be me cause I can't remember the last time a woman actually liked me. I am usually the one they all forgot about. Such is life. That paper seemed to indicate that the author liked someone.

mspsyched1: ok fine it was you...It wasnt intentionally written for someone to read it.

mspsyched1: the point of a diary is so I can speak freely

mspsyched1: you werent supposed to read it

mspsyched1: This REALLY wasnt meant to be read

"MrCuriousGeorge": I am sorry!

"MrCuriousGeorge": Well if ya liked me, it really would be a rarity.

mspsyched1: rarities do happen

"MrCuriousGeorge": Figuring I am going to change my whole identity in Delaware since obviously the real me doesn't get me much.

"MrCuriousGeorge": Sorry for talking about myself here.

"MrCuriousGeorge": How are you?

mspsyched1: whatever that means

mspsyched1: I am just fucking great, how are you?

"MrCuriousGeorge": hangin in there

"MrCuriousGeorge": do you know the meaning of "Fade To Black"??

mspsyched1: I know what I intended it to mean

mspsyched1: I just cant beleive you read my shit

"MrCuriousGeorge": you going to kill me?

mspsyched1: No, why would I do that

"MrCuriousGeorge": cause I read your shit

mspsyched1: I am really embarrassed that you read it

"MrCuriousGeorge": whats to be embarrassed about?

mspsyched1: You were pretty adamant the other night about making sure I didnt have any feelings

"MrCuriousGeorge": why do you say that?

mspsyched1: Because that is what you said

mspsyched1: "just making sure you dont" were your exact words

"MrCuriousGeorge": would it be healthy to have strong feelings?

mspsyched1: and it really doesnt matter whether I do or dont does it?

"MrCuriousGeorge": given the situation, what could we do?

"MrCuriousGeorge": I am going to delaware to go to grad school

mspsyched1: I understand that, I am well aware of your plans...what you read was NEVER supposed to be read. It was no kind of ploy or beg for you to stay.

"MrCuriousGeorge": I do want us to continue to talk.

"MrCuriousGeorge": so you come see me when you go back to visit baltimore?

mspsyched1: of course

mspsyched1: I am still mad at you

"MrCuriousGeorge": you are?

"MrCuriousGeorge": well you said you weren't going to kill me

"MrCuriousGeorge": but I guess that didn't imply you weren't mad

mspsyched1: I just cant beleive you read it

mspsyched1: It was NEVER supposed to be read by you of all people

"MrCuriousGeorge": well what can be done now? Damage is done.

mspsyched1: Exactly, I am still embarrassed

"MrCuriousGeorge": you going to spank me now?

mspsyched1: If you were here I would put you over my knee and go to town

"MrCuriousGeorge": lol

"MrCuriousGeorge": is that right?

mspsyched1: I am serious

mspsyched1: I would

mspsyched1: you've been a bad, bad boy

"MrCuriousGeorge": yes I have!

mspsyched1: most definitely

mspsyched1: dont be so damn proud of it mspsyched1: you're not too big to get your ass paddled

"MrCuriousGeorge": I agree

mspsyched1: well, now that we are in agreement there

UGH! Need I really say more? I just want to crawl into a hole and die. I never wanted him to find out how I really felt about him. I just wanted to sail through the next two weeks without the cloud of awkwardness that is now going to hover over everything. I dont know how I am going to look him in the face. I just wonder if he read anything else while he was here and hasnt fessed up to it yet. Damn you, "MrCuriousGeorge"...didnt anyone ever tell you curiosity killed the cat? Better yet, didnt anyone teach you its not polite to go rumaging through other people's things reading whatever you choose to?

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