I cant exactly say that I have anything all that thrilling to write about. I do feel a little bit better today, but not much.
I just dont know what I am going to do. I have sunk into this hole that is so big, and I dont know how to get out of it. I need excitement in my life again. I need to have a life again. I want to be free of this wretched feeling that has started consuming my life. I dont want to have a million things running through my head. I want to close my eyes and not think about it anymore. There isnt this big rush into making a decision, but I am feeling so much pressure from family and friends to make a decision...but most of the pressure is from myself.
I do miss home, alot. I miss the seasons changing, watching the leaves turn their color and fall. There are trees there that have been there for decades, not brought in and replanted there by gardeners. The grass naturally grows there, its not all brown and dry looking. Its so pretty there. I will be close to my family there. I will have that support that I just dont have out here. If anything should happen, I will have someone there to help me. I still have some friends back there that I keep in touch with, so I wont be without any friends.
On the downside, I dont know how to drive in snow. The cold alone might kill me. And those humid summers, so hot. Its different than the heat we have here in California. Its the kind of heat that has you dripping sweat in the shade. Right now I am 15 mins from the beach, in MD I will be 2 1/2 hours from the ocean. I dont have a job there, I dont have a place to live there. I know I could stay with family if need be, but that is not my intention. I have a job here, an apartment, medical benefits, good friends...that I will be leaving behind if I choose to go.
I am scared to stay and I am scared to go.