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There's alot of things I understand, but there's alot of things that I dont wanna know
Written at 9:04 p.m. on Thursday, Oct. 10, 2002

What is my problem? I wish I knew. I dont think even Freud could pick me apart and find the answer to that one. One of life's unsolved mysteries I suppose.

Sometimes I think if I can just squeeze my eyes shut tight enough and long enough, that things will go away and that when I reopen them again, something completely different than before will be there. Yes, I am aware that this is very similar to my "Ostrich theory". Kinda like the "Ostrich theory" and the "mushroom theory" combined. I worry sometimes that I have become numb to feeling, while other times I think I feel to much. Does that make any sense? I have realized that I am a walking contradiction.

I have been on some serious edge lately. My moods have been changing so quickly. One minute I am fine, the next I am ready to scream (or scream at someone). But this too shall pass. It had better. If it doesnt I am just shit out of luck, huh? I think when two things change, I will be over this.

So I came home and talked to "MrFrostedFlakes" tonight. He mentioned me staying with him again. I just dont know about all that. He tells me everytime we talk how much he misses me. He doesnt miss me. He couldnt possibly miss me. He is missing someone I used to be. That person doesnt exist anymore. I dont think I could get her back if I tried. I try every day to no avail.

I also talked to my cousin in Colorado tonight. It was good to talk to her. She kinda reaffirmed that its okay for me to be feeling the way I feel. Sometimes I get upset and I dont feel like I have a valid reason to be upset. Sometimes it takes other people to tell me its okay before I can think "Yeah, that's right, I am justifiably pissed...and what are you going to do about it?".

I think I am going to kind of lay low this weekend and not really do anything. I may take a trip and get away for the weekend. I have a visit with someone that is long overdue. No time like the present, right? I have just been away from this person for so long that I wouldnt even know where to begin, what to say. Maybe that is what I need to do to get my head out of this black cloud that I have put it in.

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