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No one ever...is to blame
Written at 10:30 p.m. on Friday, Nov. 01, 2002

I have a million things running through my head right now and I cant seem to get even one of them into words. I have now tried to write a sentence out five times and erase it every time.

As I have said a hundred times before, I love my friends dearly. But sometimes I just dont get it. I may never get it.

A friend of mine calls me tonight bitching and yelling about how I didnt call him back last night. About halfway through his little spiel, I tell him that I had tried to call him back...for 20 minutes. To which he replied, "I forgot to turn the phone back on". But yeah, that was my fault I suppose.

"Ms2inchman" is a little pissed off at me tonight, but that's alright. Apparently, I have now flaked on her five times. Which I dont see how that is possible but it seems I did. Can someone please explain to me how, if I have tenative plans to meet you at 11 and you call me at 11:30 and tell me you are going to bed and I say ok I am just going to go home and go to bed too, that is me flaking on you.

Better yet, tonight she had plans with her "friend" to hang out at her house. I inquired as to what they were doing later on. She tells me that they are going to watch movies until about 8:30 and will call me when they are done. So at almost 10:30, when she called, I am in my pajamas and have decided to stay home...that is me flaking again. How is that? How can I possibly be flaking on someone that I didnt have plans with? Maybe I am just that stupid, but I dont see it.

It appears its my fault for not calling to inquire again what plans where. I am not going to hound someone on their (psuedo) date to figure it out. I am not a flaky person. When we come up with a definite time and place, I dont back out unless deemed absolutely necessary.

I feel like I want to just go outside and scream. Not at one thing, but at every thing. I am at this frustrated point where I feel like I am going to break. I cant handle shit as well as I have done in the past anymore.

I have an aunt that, as I have explained before, is rude as shit. She likes to buy me things and then treat me like shit to compensate it all. So yeah, I have a nice plane ticket back home for the holidays, but none of my meals up until that flight will be fecal free.

I had one night out this week. ONE FUCKING NIGHT. And yeah, while that may seem to be my fault, my body is in complete control over what I do, where I do it and when. I dont get a say in anything. I wish I did. Because then I may have feeling in one square inch of my body.

I almost wasnt going to go out at all last night. Thursday nights are the night I get my shot and they usually leave me feeling ill and not wanting to go out. I am not Wonderwoman, I cant do it all. And I cant seem to please anyone.

If me taking responsibility for it makes it better for you, I will wear that scarlet F with pride.

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