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My thoughts seem to scatter, but I think its about forgiveness...
Written at 8:55 a.m. on Friday, Dec. 20, 2002

Well, my last week before I leave is winding to an end.

And I have been so busy spending time with "MrBigDaddy" that I havent been doing the things I need to do to prepare for this trip.

But he did prepare me in one way that I needed. Last night we were laying in bed talking (like we always do) and he started talking about his family. I could feel the pain in his voice as he told stories. And my heart wanted to break at that very moment. I wanted to tell him that its alright now, what's done is done and we cant take things back when they are done...all we can do is let go of the pain and move on.

Sometimes you have to let go and forgive even when you dont want to. Even when you think you have every reason in the world to be pissed and carry that grudge forever. It only consumes you if you dont.

This trip is scary for me. Because I will be facing alot of pent up anger and hard feelings. I am nervous and scared and anxious and just about every other feeling you can come up with. But above all that, I know that this trip will be a growth experience for me. And that makes me feel somewhat comforted.

On a slightly lighter side of things...I woke up, quickly got into the shower and came back and sat on the bed waiting for him to open his eyes. When he did, I said "Do you know that I think you are the cutest thing in the world?"...He said "Do you?"...and I said "Yes, but did you also know that I think you suck at alarm clock duties?"

See what happened is, when we went to bed I asked him "Now I will give you one more shot here, what time do I absolutely have to be up by?" and he said "7:15". Good, we covered that and I went to sleep feeling assured that I would get up no later than 7:15. So, you can imagine my horror when I gently climbed over him to peep at the alarm clock and it said 7:26!!!

Now, I know that fifteen minutes may not sound like alot but with me it makes all the difference in the world. Its the difference of whether I have 15 minutes to shower and be out the door or if I have 30 minutes. And that is all the difference in the world.

So in 48 hours I am outta here. On my way back home. Is it really only 48 hours from now? Well, 46 exactly. I am going to miss not being here for the holidays. Last night I was kidding and told "MrBigDaddy" that he should come back with me and he said if tickets were cheaper he would.

I have so much to do before I leave. Packing is the majority of it. I have to do laundry in order to pack. And I have a few last minutes gifts I still need to get. Plus I want to get my nails done before I go and hit the gym once too.

I may die from stress before I even leave.