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Written at 10:51 p.m. on Thursday, Dec. 26, 2002

I just dont understand mostly.

The situation with them all:

"MrCuriousGeorge"~Becoming a royal pain in my ass. He has called several times while I have been here wanting to know when I am coming up to see him. He is only persistant about it because he knows I have a rental car and he wouldnt have to come pick me up. Cheap ass! I still havent told him that I have a boyfriend...that I absolutely adore. And when he finds out that its "MrBigDaddy", he will die.

Ok, well...see these damn long ass entries take me forever sometimes and he just called back again. He wanted me to get into the car at 11 at night and drive two hours to Delaware. Mind you, I am the only one awake in the entire house and I cant exactly leave a note "Morning ya'll...went to back later". Umm, yeah...not happening.

Then he asked me who took me to the airport in California. So I said "MsMoHoney" and "MrBigDaddy". So then he asks me "'MrBigDaddy' your ex?". To which I finally scrape enough courage up to say "Well, he is not exactly my ex, in fact we are very much back together". Nothing but silence. One down, one to go. "MrLightening" is next.

"MrLigtening"~I have been talking to him off and on while here. Which I should be shot for. He called last night while I was sleeping (midnight to people in Cali is 3 am to me here in Maryland). The conversation lasted a whole 48 seconds...48 seconds people. How much could I have said in 48 seconds? But he swears that I asked him if he was ever going to move in with me. I know I talk in my sleep...and you can carry on a conversation with me while I am sleeping and not even know it...but I am pretty damn sure I didnt say that. Yeah, wishful thinking there buddy.

"MrBigDaddy"~My baby! I miss him so much. He is my lobster. We talked for a little bit today. I know that I really want it to work out with us this time. He treats me so much better than "MrLightening" did. And I know that he is genuine at heart. We talked about going back to school together and taking a few classes together this Spring. I want him to succeed...and he finally does too.

So, that is the current update on all three of them.

I mentioned to "MrCuriousGeorge" that he could come down tomorrow for the day to visit. He is going to let me know tomorrow. He probably wont.

I really want to go see my grandmother. I want to sit on her swingset outside (the same swingset I used to play on) and I want to pretend I am 10 again and just enjoy life. I want to sit in front of her woodburning fireplace and listen to it crackle. I miss my grandparents more than words can ever express.

This trip has brought about alot for me. I would stay if I could. If I didnt rely on my health benefits so much it would be different. If I didnt have such a wonderful, supporting group of friends. If I didnt have a boyfriend that needs to watch his girls grow up and cant bear to take them away from their mom. Most of all, if I had courage...(deep sigh).

Its truly bitter~sweet being here. The happiness and the pain are still there. I hear my father's name a dozen times a day and I will never get over him not being here. I drive down the back roads and the snow sitting on rolling hills takes my breath away and brings me to tears. Its all too real right now.

It took everything I had to walk away from this place eight years ago and start a life in California. I dont know if I could do it again. But I feel at home here.