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Nothing matters on New Years day...
Written at 4:23 p.m. on Tuesday, Dec. 31, 2002

Today was a blast from the past...this whole trip has been.

I went down to the cemetery where my great-grandparents are buried and put primroses on their graves. It took some treking in the snow to find them, but I did it. I never knew my great-grandfather as I was only about 6 months old when he died. But my great-grandmother I hold many precious memories of her. I was about 15 when she died.

This trip has been very enlightening for many ways. I have found old relatives that I had lost touch with and new ones that I didnt even know I had.

For instance, I am always bitching that I am stranded in California with no family whatsoever. But I come to find out that I have a cousin up in Los Angeles that is a movie producer.

And the family history that I have uncovered has been unbeleivable. I copied some old pictures of my great-great-grandparents yesterday. One picture was of my great-great-grandfather's military picture. He was a Luetenant in the Civil war.

I didnt realize until now how much family history I have here. I always just figured that if I didnt know it, then it must not have been all that important. But this, among many of other things, I have been wrong about.

So I am a little heartbroken to have to leave here in a few days. Its almost like leaving my life behind...again. That pain never gets any easier no matter how many times I do it. My heart will always reside my home.

Tonight I am going to a New Years party with my family. It should be fun. My uncle is pretty sick so my aunt and I will be the only ones driving out there. The rest of my family already live out that way and will already be there when we get there.

Tomorrow I am going back to my grandparents' house. My mom is meeting me there at about noon. This is going to be really hard for me, because I know it will be the last time that I see them on this trip. Its so hard to say goodbye to them. More harder than anyone else here.

I am coming back with more pictures than I am going to know what to do with. But each one will have a special meaning to me. Even if someone else looks at it and sees an old house, I will always see a memory or a smile...or home. This place is my home.

Part of me wants to go home and be with my friends who have adopted me as family...but part of me wants to stay here with my family forever.

"MrBigDaddy" was supposed to call me today and let me know if he can pick me up from the airport when I come in friday afternoon. He had to see if he could get off work early to come and get me. I really have missed him alot.

I keep having really freaky dreams about him...or should I say with him in it. Last night was really strange. I had a dream that he was still working with me and somehow (I wonder how?) I got pregnant. That would be a total nightmare for me. Yeah, I would be girlfriend #3 coming along with baby #4. Ummm, yeah, not good.

But either way, I cant wait to see him. I have our whole weekend already planned...and so does he. We are staying home and catching up on all the time missed over the last two weeks. Yikes! That sounds painful. :P