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I'll never let you go...
Written at 10:06 p.m. on Wednesday, Jan. 01, 2003

Another year done! Thankfully so.

2002 has really sucked for me. But I still have faith that 2003 will be great.

I spent New Year's eve with my family at a party. It was really alot of fun.

My one aunt got drunk and danced all night being as loud as ever. I even heard someone at one point say "She's loud enough...who gave her one of those noisemakers?". Oh, wait...that was me!

I hadnt met most of the people that were there, but they all seemed to know me. If someone wasnt coming up to me and saying "When are you moving back home?" then they were saying "I knew your father...I miss him still". Neither one of those things I wanted to think too much about on New Year's eve. I didnt want to focus on what has already happened, but instead what could be.

My cousin's husband told me that if I decided to move back to Maryland that I am welcome to live with them. He said that they have plenty of room and are more than welcome. My uncle also told me that he would rent a truck and drive my stuff back. He said all I have to do is say the word and it will be arranged.

Midnight was interesting. "MrLightening" had called me at about five minutes til midnight (East coast time) because he wanted to be on the phone with me when it became the new year. exactly one minute til midnight my call waiting went off and it was "MrBigDaddy" calling in. So I sat there for about 10 seconds debating what to do and who to ring it in with. Ahh, no contest..."MrBigDaddy" won. So I politely told "MrLightening" that my mother was on the other line and I would call him back in a minute.

So this morning I got up early (or what I thought was early for someone who went to bed at 4 am) and went to my grandparents' house for one last visit. My mother was already there when I got there. So my grandmother, my mother and I went to the mall to go shopping. We had lunch and my grandmother bought me two pairs of shoes.

I have been without my mother for so long that it was a weird/good feeling to say "Hey, Mom!". I have missed that immensely...I have missed her.

When we got back to the house, we fumbled through old pictures that I was determined to take back with me. She promised (pinky swore) that she would send me my scrapbooks, diaries and yearbooks.

Then came time to leave. That was so hard. I gave my grandmother a hug goodbye and she said "No crying", but as soon as I started to walk away from her the waterfalls began. Which got my mother started. She gave me a hug and whispered "I have always told you that you were the best thing to ever happen to me". And I didnt want to let go. I love my family and have just now started to appreciate all that I have.

The drive back seemed like forever. It was pouring down rain and on those damn dark ass back roads I was finding it hard to even see the road. But I made it in one piece. My mother had called just as I pulled up to make sure that I had made it back okay.

Tomorrow my aunt, uncle, cousin and her husband are coming over. One, to say goodbye and two, so I can get my shot. Also, I take the rental car back in the morning. Then the next day...back to reality for the dream is over and its time to wake up from it.

A very important thing I have realized on this trip is that life is too short...and you only get one shot at it. Life is too short for me to be this unhappy at a job I can tolerate working for family that doesnt care.

And 2003 is all about change for me...making things happen.