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What if I'm a mermaid in these jeans of his with her name still on it...
Written at 8:51 a.m. on Wednesday, Jan. 08, 2003

I remember when "MrLightening" left and was packing up his things...and it was boxes and boxes of stuff. And I just stood there thinking to myself "When did he move all of this in here...when I was sleeping"? Because I didnt remember him having that much stuff there, but apparently he did.

Well, my eyes are open this time. And I see alot more of the things that go on around me. Like how there is a picture frame on my desk of "MrBigDaddy"'s kids...or that he brought his pillow from home last night...or that he, too, has a mound of clothes that now reside at my house.

Dont get me wrong, this isnt me complaining. Just reflecting on it. I am taking notice at it now, instead of later on. For a long time, things would happen and afterwards I would be left standing there thinking "How did that happen?" Habre los ojos~open your eyes!

I have to get my life in order...or at least try to. I have come to the realization that while I do love my boyfriend, I am not sure about how things will be in the future. He mentioned, again, last night in a passin conversation with me and "MsMoHoney" that he doesnt want to ever have another child...ever. I understand that he already has three children, but someday (not anytime soon) I would like my own. So that leaves me wondering if it is worth it to put my time and energy into a relationship that offers no future.

Also, last night he said "Just my luck you would give me twin boys". He has something about boys. I think he feels that if he has a son he will be forced to grow up and raise a man. He also likes that his girls are "Daddy's girls" and a boy would never be like that.

I dont know, maybe I am trying to make excuses or self-sabotaging everything like I normally do. I dont know. Maybe it was watching him carry some of his stuff in from his car last night. Maybe I had a panic attack and just mentally freaked out.

He mentions that he wants us to go camping with his friends. Or that he wants us to all go play pool or something. And all I can think about is whether they will compare me to his ex or not. Because I know that they will. He was with her for seven years. Of course they will. Maybe I am too paranoid.

I just want to sleep...