Written at 1:48 p.m. on Thursday, Jan. 09, 2003
I have been getting panic attacks all day.
And its not about not knowing what "MrBigDaddy" is doing in my apartment without supervision...I totally trust him in that respect.
Its about realizing what a horrible person I have become. Its about always having that angel on my shoulder acting as my conscience while I have that pesky little devil showing me how much fun I could be having.
I think for me, what I am doing is in spite. I see that now. Its about getting back at someone...even if I am the only one who knows about it.
Its that inner part of me that wants to be able to say "Well, remember when you did this to me? Well, I am doing this to you now...you just dont know it".
And I dont mean to be so spiteful...it just worked out that way. And I dont mean to be so cut down the middle...I just am.
And I cant help wondering if it werent for the fact that "MrBigDaddy" is in a bad situation, he wouldnt even be here. And I have already had a relationship built out of convenience and it's the hardest type to try to get out of. Because you just kind of sink into it and you become molded by it.
And I hate wondering if she says the right thing or pulls the right string, will he go running back to her and leave me here with his empty promises.
I keep feeling like the other shoe is going to drop soon. And I am waiting and waiting...and so far it hasnt...but it will soon. It always works out that way.
My brain hasnt stopped all day. I have a million of these "I wonder"'s going through my head.
And they wont go away...