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Somebody say that a love like ours wont last, didnt I give you all that I've got to give baby...
Written at 11:06 p.m. on Saturday, Jan. 11, 2003

For the first time in a long while I think I know what it is that I want. Better yet, who I want.

It was almost as if something snapped on inside of me today and the lightbulb finally went off. And for a moment everything got clear.

It started with something that "MrZingers" said to me on the phone this afternoon that got to me. He said "When was the last time you were alone, I mean really alone"? And I didnt know how to answer that...because I cant remember the last time I was alone.

There has always been someone in my life. Someone, something. And "Ms2inchman" confirmed it with me later on. She said "You always feel like you wont be able to get over someone...and then someone else comes along and you totally get over that person and forget about them".

But how am I getting over these people when I am constantly get back together with someone that I have gotten over? If I am getting back together with them, then I havent really gotten over them at all.

And that is what I keep doing. I keep going in reverse...back to people that I have dated before. Then I get frustrated when, yet again, I cant make it work. And that is what I am right now...frustrated. Frustrated because I keep thinking to myself that there has got to be more than this.

I got angry tonight with "MrBigDaddy" again. This time it was a little bit different. This time he knew I was upset with him. And at this exact moment I couldnt even tell you why I am upset. Maybe it's a compilation of so many harbored feelings that I have. Unresolved issues.

We really shouldnt drink together because it just sparks problems. He will say something that I take to heart and then I wonder if I even have a justifiable reason to be upset.

I think there is just too much animosity on my part for this to work. And I dont know if I have the energy anymore to try to make it work. Between him and "MrLightening", I am mentally worn down.

I am exhausted...