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And I've spent so many nights just thinking how you did me wrong...
Written at 1:56 p.m. on Monday, Jan. 13, 2003

"MrBigDaddy" just called me and is giving me another panic attack.

We were talking and he was going over all the stuff he has to do today. One of them..."go to my mom's and see what I have left there". Yes, see what's left there...and leave it there.

Its not that I dont want him to live with me. Its just that I keep getting to this spot that is comfortable...and then it all falls apart.

Like yesterday, I was telling "MsMoHoney" how he said he has this chair that he wants to bring over. She seemed to think it was a good idea. Not me, I think it will be all the more harder for him to lug it on back down to his car when it's time for him to leave.

She seems to think that I am seeking the failure here. If I see the failure, it will inevitably happen. She thinks that I am too busy looking at all the bad things that could happen instead of just letting it happen as it will.

One of the things he said he had to do today was drop something off for his his ex's work. She gives me an uneasy feeling. Apparently, she is pushing hard for them to get back together since her husband left her. He reassures me that wont happen.

I am beginning to trust him a little bit more every day. I wont deny that I have some serious trust issues. Especially with him. How do you trust someone not to cheat on you, when that person was cheating on someone else...with you. He doesnt see it the same way as I do. He says they were still only together for the kids. But he didnt understand how painful it was at the end of the day to watch someone that you care so deeply about go home to someone else.

But I am going to try my hardest not to sabatoge this. I really would like for it to work. I need to let it all be what it is going to be. What should happen will happen...right?!?