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If I choose now, I lose of you has got to fall
Written at 1:11 p.m. on Wednesday, Jan. 15, 2003

That past few days have been nothing but ups and downs and ups and downs. I am starting to get motion sickness.

When "MrBigDaddy" came home last night, there was a little awkwardness between us. He had been shopping before he came home and bought me a dvd. I love it, it's nice, but I still dont know what to do with him. I dont know what to do with either of them.

I got a call at 2 am from "MrLightening". I stood quietly whispering in my kitchen so I could talk to him. He is starting to get upset that I havent been spending any time with him. I dont blame him.

We talked a little this morning about things. I just told him to be patient with me, that I have a lot of things that I need to work out. He said he understood and would be as patient as I need him to be.

He was also telling me that he has a picture of the two of us together. I commented back and said something about how awful it must look as I was never one to photograph well. He got really quiet and muttered, "Its all that I have". Then I got quiet. He said that picture is all he has of me right now, that he cant physically be with me but at least he can look at a picture of us together. I wanted to cry.

Both of them fulfill an emotional need that I have...just different needs. And I am getting closer to painting myself into a corner.

I just dont know what to do!