I dont have the heart to hurt you, its the last thing I want to do...but, I dont have the heart to love you, not the way that you want me to
Written at 8:41 a.m. on Friday, Jan. 17, 2003
I am officially an evil bitch.
So much has happenend since that last entry.
"MrBigDaddy" ended up calling way later...like 1 am...and still didnt have his act together. I told him he should just stay the night at his friend's house and we can talk tomorrow.
I dont think I have ever stood up to him when I was mad. I have always been this passive "do anything you want to me, because I will always forgive you" kind of person with him. NO more!
Then this morning I realized that I had somehow grown testicles over night (ok, well not literally) and decided it was time to come clean to "MrLightening" about the whole situation.
First, he hung up on me. I expected that. Then he called back yelling. Which was more what I expected from the beginning. Then he got really quiet. At first, he said that he wanted his ring back. Then he told me to keep it, that I should put it somewhere where it will remind me not to do this to someone else.
I felt so horrible. I really hurt him more than I thought I did. And I wasnt trying to, I just wanted to get it all out and finally be honest.
A while ago when we first got together, he looked at me and started crying and he said "I am the luckiest man alive" and it made me cry too. Today, the tears I heard on the other end of the phone, made me want to cry for a different reason.
The rest of this day isnt going to get any better, because "MrBigDaddy" is the next batter up. With him I am just going to tell him that we need to cut our losses here and go with that.
Its going to be a long day.