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This cannot be happening...
Written at 9:49 a.m. on Wednesday, Jan. 22, 2003

I have morphed back into my fight or flight mode again.

And now its all about picking and choosing my battles. Figuring out which ones are worth fighting. Because I only have so much energy left.

Last night when I got home, I found "MrBigDaddy" camped out on my doorstep. I have been somewhat reluctant to give him a key so he was forced to sit there and wait for me last night.

Not but five minutes after walking in the door, his cell phone rings. I was forewarned that an argument would be coming before he even answered it. It was his old roommate that had lived with him and his ex. I guess this guy is still living with her.

Anyway, I am not completely sure what the argument was about, but I was able to hear:

Guy on other end of the phone: "I wish you would accept that she doesnt want anything to do with you."

"MrBigDaddy": "If you want to beleive that's true..."

What is up with that? I would hate to think I am wasting my time on someone who is still trying to get back together with their ex. I mean, granted I didnt hear every word of their conversation and bits and pieces can make someone draw the wrong conclusion, BUT...what am I supposed to think?

Then a while later she called. And the yelling started all over again. This time I didnt get to hear any of her side, just his:

"MrBigDaddy": "I am upset because you told (old roommates whose name I forget) something you shouldnt have." (pause) "Are you done?" (Brief pause) then he hung up on her.

Then a little while later he got a call from his friend (cant remember his name either). All I heard there was "hanging with my girl" and "I have to get back to my woman here". Yeah, maybe if he says it enough times he will remember that he has a girlfriend.

Then he asked me if there was an elementary school nearby here, because he wanted to take his daughter and have her live with him. By him I can only assume that means me.

First, I havent seen him get up and go to work for almost two weeks now. I am not sure what he is doing during the days but I am sure it is nothing that consists of getting a paycheck at the end of the week.

Secondly, I am not going to be the one taking care of someone else's kids while they are out doing God knows what.

Lastly (and most importantly), I have a roommate who shares her room with her 13 year old brother while me and my boyfriend are in mine. Where in the world am I going to put a five year old?

I tell you what? I should just start smoking crack now. That way, one, I will be so high I wont be able to notice all the crap going on around me and two, I can officially say that I live in a crackhouse.

This isnt happening! I refuse to accept this is my life.

Thank you ladies and gentleman...we hope you've enjoyed the show, but "Passive Tracey" has left the building!