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The only baggage that you can all that you cant leave behind
Written at 8:53 a.m. on Thursday, Jan. 23, 2003

I am totally lagging here today. I have no motivation to do anything...except go back to sleep.

I broke down and had a panic attack yesterday. I had just got home from work and "MrBigDaddy" walked in with a big bag. I thought nothing of it. Then he told me that he had to go back down to his car and get the rest of his stuff.

Apparently, he went to his mom's house and packed up all that he had left there. He left her a note and thanked her for letting him stay there.

I think when he came back in from the car he noticed something wasnt right because he looked at me and said "Are you ok, you dont look good."

I was breathing really heavy and just couldnt catch my breath. Especially when he made a comment about not having a key and calling himself "the keyless visitor".

Then I thought I would get away for a little bit and go the gym for a while. I thought it would be a way to get away for a little bit and do something productive. Because we dont do anything, we dont go anywhere. Of course, he decided that he wanted to come with me.

I started thinking about this whole situation yesterday when "MrLightening" called me. He was telling me about the new place he just got and how I will always have a place to go to when I need to get away. But no one gets it...I want a place to go to get away, to completely get away from everything.

So I got to thinking yesterday about how my life was this time last year. I was living in my own apartment. I had complete privacy. But at the same time, I had this feeling of lonliness and emptiness. I dont know why.

A year later, I live in an apartment that shelters more people than it should. I have absolutely no privacy. When I am on the phone, "Who ya talking to". And I lie not about that.

But you know what, that emptiness is still there. There is something missing here and I dont know what it is, but I can feel its absence.

I spent 6 yrs in a bad relationship just have to have it end, leaving me left wondering what happened to the last 6 yrs. I barely remember anything out of those 6 yrs. I remember clearly how miserable I was, but none of the details of it. Little things come back to me every now and then, but I cant even remember what I did on my 21st birthday.

And everything about what has been going on lately has been screaming "sequel". I have two people that care very deeply for me...but I have never felt more empty than I do right now.