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And I keep thinking tomorrow is coming today...so I am endlessly waiting
Written at 10:45 a.m. on Saturday, Jan. 25, 2003

Its now almost 11 am. I am so ready to get out of this house...and he is still sleeping.

Last night we had a pretty interesting conversation. Somehow we got to talking about what would happen if I accidentally got pregnant. I dont even remember how this subject got brought up.

I told him I was sure that I would be looking at the back of his head as he ran out the door. He said he wouldnt leave if that were to happen.

Then we got to talking about what I would do if that were to happen. He said he thinks that I would have an abortion.

I am sure that is what he would want me to do...but I wouldnt. Although, I am totally pro-choice. Every situation is different and every person is different. But that isnt what I would do personally.

I think I freaked him out with this conversation. I tried to calm him down by telling him that I dont even think that I can have kids. I told him that many, many years ago I had a really bad miscarriage and I dont think I can have kids. That is why I wouldnt have an abortion, because I am so scared that would be my only shot.

What came next blew my mind. I was telling him how I couldnt beleive that if everything had went okay, I would have a ten year old right now. He said. "I have a ten year old...no fun there". To which I replied, "Your daughter is eleven, not ten". "Oh yeah". How is it that I can remember how old his kids are, but he cant?

Then he said that just proved his theory about having any more kids. He isnt mentally capable of having any more. He said that he has no more love for another child. How sad.

I kept reassuring him that I wasnt having this conversation because I want a child anytime soon. I was just interested to hear his thoughts on the subject. I did tell him that someday, again not any time soon, that I would like to have a child of my own.

I dont think that was what he wanted to hear...

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