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Are you so strong or is all the weakness in me
Written at 2:06 p.m. on Monday, Jan. 27, 2003

This morning "MrLightening" called again. He was asking me when I am coming home. At first, I didnt quite know what he meant by that. He said home was with him.

I was listening to a message that he left on my voicemail. He said "Someone loves you, Tracey. Someone wants to spend the rest of their life with you".

Then "MrBigDaddy" called to see if I wanted to have lunch with him. So I met him for a short lunch. And he talked about us renting a house in Hungtington Beach. How he wants us to live together without anyone else.

And I just get so confused. All of the time. Because they are both two of the sweetest guys. And they both make me melt. I dont know what to do to make this right again. Because I know that I am not being fair to either one of them.

I have been 100% faithful to "MrBigDaddy". No question there. And I plan to remain that way. But it just hurts so much to hear "MrLightening" tell me about how his roommates ask about me and where I am and all he can say is that I am around somewhere. "I have a girlfriend, I never see her though, but she's around somewhere". That's just it, I am not his girlfriend. Anymore.

And I know its sad that I am anticipating one of them screwing up just so its easier to quit feeling this way. And I also know how angry I would be if either one of them were doing this to me, but it doesnt make it any easier.

What am I going to do? What do I need to do to stop this merry-go-round?