I cant be this unsturdy...this cannot be happening
Written at 10:10 a.m. on Thursday, Feb. 27, 2003
Going out last night was probably the best thing I could have done for myself. I need that for my self-respect.
After I got finished arguing with him last night, I called up "Ms2inchman" and just said, "I am on my way!" When I arrived at her house, we sat contemplating where to go and what to do. We agreed on "Cheers". And you know, this time it didnt exactly leave a bad taste in my mouth.
It was really good to see everyone. I mean really good. I have missed this. I dont go to a bar to pick up people or morph into this person that I'm not. I go to be around my friends, because this is what we do. We go to "Cheers", have a few drinks, sing some karaoke and just have fun.
And last night I needed to be around these people. It was very strange at first to be there after not going for so long. But ya know, its almost as if I hadnt skipped a beat there. It was the same faces, singing the same songs...and that was perfect.
I got home at about 12:30 and couldnt fall asleep. I didnt sleep very well all night. I hate when I have unresolved things with someone just lingering over me. So I tossed and turned all night long. I even got up an hour early because I had given up on sleep for the night.
At about 7:30, I had given up on him even coming home. I thought to myself that he was going to wait until I was safely at work and he was going to come in and move all of his stuff out while I was gone. Because I am a freak who comes up with the strangest of things in my head.
Finally, at about 7:45 he walks in. And it was awkward at first. Just short questions with even shorter answers. "Morn'n...what's up?" "Nothing, what's up with you?" "Nothing."
Then at one point, I was finishing up my makeup and I turned around and he was standing right behind me. So I looked up at him and he hugged me and said, "I'm sorry, I dont like fighting with you."
And all I could think to myself was...please dont have this conversation now, wait two weeks until the Wellbutrin sets in before we talk about this, that way I can be nice and numb and not feel it. But you know, I still havent conjured up enough courage to take the first pill. Because I dont know what's worse...feeling all the pain or not feeling anything at all.
***Then I checked my horoscope for today...If there is a relationship that has been troubling you, Tracey, this might be the day for you to take some action. Closure and letting go are the common themes for a 9-Day, and while you may not want to see this happen, you'll have the courage to do so if need be. Make sure to think things through from as many angles as possible before severing ties, Tracey, as this is usually a permanent break. Strive for resolution, but if you need to let go, do so with confidence.