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But instead I let you in, just like I've always done, I sat you down and offered you a beer
Written at 9:30 a.m. on Thursday, Mar. 27, 2003

Is it friday yet?

And I am not really fond of Thursdays either. I am getting used to the shots though. I am not so much a crying, blubbering ball of mess anymore when I take them.

So things are getting a little better at home. They arent where I'd like for them to be, but they are slightly better than before.

Its like I have these pretty pictures in my head. Images of what I'd like my life to be like. And I'm standing in the middle this crossroad where to my left I look down that road and can see an image of what life would be like with him and to my right I can see what life would be like with someone else. When I look to my left, I dont see those pretty little pictures.

I dont think he could ever be what I need him to be. He is definitely Mr Right Now. He has things he needs to work through and unfortunately they are things that I cant help him with. But until he works through them, I dont think he will be able to be have a healthy, thriving relationship. Sucks for me, huh?

I have already decided that when this is over, its completely over. I dont even want a friendship out of it. I just want him to walk away completely and never come back. That once he has walked out that door, he has walked out of my life as well and I can close the door. I think being friends will get too complicated. Its better if we arent.

That doesnt mean I wont still care about him. It just means I have to move on and I cant do that if he is even partially still in my life...even as friends. I cant do that. We have made the friends-lovers transition too many times already. The line between the two is blurred now.

On to happier things...well not happier so much as brighter. I got an email from "MrGIjoe" and he sent with it a picture. I worry about him all of the time. I hate how much I worry about him. He is such a wonderful person. He's the little brother that I never had. Although he's always the one bailing me out of something. I miss my dance partner.

I dont know what I would do if he didnt come home.