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Dear Matthew...I liked you alot
Written at 8:51 a.m. on Friday, Mar. 28, 2003

When I got home last night, he was still sleeping...big shocker. So I put on my sweats and left. I took a long walk and thought about things.

I have decided that if he wants to sleep all night, then by all means sleep. But he will be doing it alone. He says that he's depressed (about his kids) well sitting in that room while he sleeps is depressing me. I cant do it anymore.

I made plans with "Ms2inchman" to go to "Cheers" for a little bit. So on his way out to work, he said have fun ho'ing. What's that about? I cant just sit in that house night after night alone. But when I do go out, I have to hear some smartass comment first.

So "Cheers" wasnt too bad. It was really weird. It was like "dirty people night" there. Everyone there looked like they had just rolled out of a dumpster. But nevertheless, they were all really nice. I didnt stay too late...about 12:30. I was dead tired by that point.

I had the strangest dream. I dreamt that I was driving in a car with "MrBigDaddy" and his ex-girlfriend. Although, in my dream they were very much still together. It's bad enough that I dance with my own ghosts. I dont think I have the energy to dance with his.

Then this morning was just the topper on the cake. He came home a little earlier than normal. He crawled into bed and started to fall asleep. So I slid over to get closer and put my arm on his...and he rolled over on me. So I dont want to hear anymore of this you arent affectionate bullshit. Because I know I am.

I have been asking around too. Analyzing the hell out of it. I asked old boyfriends and close friends that I feel know me pretty well.

"MrDiamond"~"You were always affectionate to me"

"MsTornado"~"I would agree that you keep a wall up to most people. I do the same thing...there are FEW people that I allow to get close to me. Same with you."

"MrGIjoe"~"You are very cautious about who you let close to you, but you arent defiantly unaffectionate"

See, I come with some pretty good references.

Something "Ms2inchman" said to me last night struck a chord. She said you either have a boyfriend or friends, you never have both at the same time. And she's absolutely right. I kinda go MIA when someone else comes into the picture. I dont do it intentionally though.

I have decided that this weekend is going to be all about me. It may sound selfish of me, but I will wear that scarlet S with pride. Because I deserve it. I am going to go the salon tomorrow, then off to buy some clothes.

Its going to be weird to put myself first for once. But I think I can get used to it.