The answer my friend, is blowing in the wind
Written at 3:23 p.m. on Friday, Mar. 28, 2003
What the hell is wrong with me? I just had a very weird panic attack. And it still hasnt completely passed yet.
I was sitting here at my desk fumbling through papers looking for my car insurance stuff. I came across an envelope that I had almost completely forgotten that I had.
Inside the envelope is three pictures. One is of "MrBigDaddy" as a baby, one is of him with two of his daughters and the third one is of him and his ex. When I saw that picture, I couldnt breathe. I looked at them all cute and hugging in the picture and thought why dont we have that?
Something has got to be done...today. And I am completely prepared to walk away from this. Its just way too awkward. It shouldnt be this hard to walk over to your boyfriend and give him a hug or a kiss. But for me its you'd think someone was twisting my arm. I just watch him sit there and I think to myself I should really hug him or something. That's sad.
I dont know what's wrong with me. Why I cant. I have never been like this with anyone else. I am afraid to with him. And I dont think that I need to be afraid of it with him, because obviously it bothers him (that I dont) enough that he brought it up in our argument.
It should be effortless. My god, what is the problem here. I mean, I am sitting here thinking that when I get home and if he's in bed, I should just slide right on up in there. But there's a part of me that thinking Man, do I have to?
Dont get me wrong. I totally love cuddling with him. I simply melt when he puts his head on my lap and I just stroke his hair. I eat that shit up with a big ass spoon. But its something about me being the person to initiate it. I dont know. I have a hard time with that when it comes to him.
Its like in a way he keeps me at a distance too. And part of me is afraid of getting emotionally pushed away. I almost dont want to get too comfortable with this relationship because I dont think it is going to work. And I dont want to get attached just to have to let go again. I still havent gotten over the last time we did this.
I think I may have answered my own damn question.