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My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all
Written at 9:20 p.m. on Monday, Mar. 31, 2003

I am still alive. That has to count for something.

When I pulled up tonight, he was out doing something to his car. Next thing I know, he is starting to walk over and I am starting to get one big ass panic attack.

So we went in the house and I sat down on the bed...still breathing very heavily. At one point he asked me if I was on crack. No, but I bet you if I was it would have made it a whole lot easier. Finally he said, There's something you want to tell me, but you dont want to tell me. Just spit it out. So I did.

I truly expected him to freak out. But he didnt. He was very calm about it. I kindly asked him to hear me out before he starts objecting to it. But there really wasnt any objection. He just basically told me it was my apartment and it looks like we dont really have a choice in the matter. Which looking at the reality of it all, we really dont have a choice.

I am still not completely convinced that he isnt just fuming inside. I am glad that he's not, but I have to be honest by saying that I would be mad if I were him. It was such a relief to get that over and done with.

It made it easier to breathe for the rest of the night. We basically just watched movies (which is what we always do) and I made dinner. He's starting to get really involved in my eating habits. Like when we went out to breakfast sunday morning, I ordered fruit and cottage cheese. He made comments about it the whole time. When I got full he said Yeah, those four grapes must have been very filling.

Then tonight I made penne pasta with vodka sauce. I took a couple of bites and set it down. Dont tell're full already. That's the kind of crap I dont need to hear.

I think he's starting to think I have a problem or something. Because he's always trying to give me something to eat. And I think it is the sweetest thing in the whole world when he stops and picks us up breakfast on his way home in the morning, but its always something really fattening.

I dont have a problem though. I have just become very self-conscious of the things I eat. And for some reason lately I havent been very hungry at all. Today when I started to get that headache I started thinking that it had to be because I havent had anything to eat since we went out to breakfast sunday morning.

But I wasnt in the least bit hungry. I went down to the grocery store anyway and bought a salad. The lady at the cashier was so nice. When I went to leave and told her to have a nice day, she said You too, and keep have a nice one. That just made my afternoon.

It has been a long day. I want to settle in to bed with my cup of bedtime tea and read a book. I say read a book, but it will most likely end up being tv. I dont have the attention span tonight to handle reading a book.