If you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave, cuz your presence still lingers here and it wont leave me alone
Written at 12:22 a.m. on Wednesday, Apr. 02, 2003
This day has been a real test of my ability to endure torture. And I must say that I failed miserably.
When I came home from work tonight, he wasnt here. He has never not been here when I got home except for a few times when he had to take care of work stuff. But he had always somehow let me know where he was going.
I know that makes me sound like an obsessive freak. But I should warn you that if that sounded bad, I dont know what I am going to be labeled as when I say that I actually checked his toothbrush to see how long ago he left. It was still wet, so I knew he hadnt been gone too long. That is so incredibly sad that I would do that.
About 20 mins later, I had to walk down to my car to get a box that I had left in there. As I was walking, he pulled up. It seems he was just out shopping and buying more movies. Alert the CIA...he has been found and his whereabouts confirmed.
So we walked in the house and started to watch one of the movies that he bought. I am so tired of sitting here watching movies. About five minutes into the movie, he started talking about the roommate situation. I told him that she flaked out on us. You could see a look of relief on his face. He doesnt want anyone to rent the room...he wants to rent it himself.
Of course, that led to a big argument. I tried to rationalize everything to him, but he wasnt having it. I told him he had to decide...roommate or boyfriend. He finally told me Either you are going to rent me that room or I am going to rent one somewhere else. That sounds like an ultimatum to me...and I dont like ultimatums.
I cant get him to see how dysfunctional it is. You just dont rent a room from your girlfriend. It isnt a hard concept to grasp. I wanted to get up and walk away at that very moment, the sight of him was making me sick. But instead I just started watching the movie, therefore ending our conversation.
About 20 mins later, he went to get up to get something. He thought he would be cute by coming and sitting close to me and asking if I was still mad. Youre damn right I am. I probably will be for quite some time. But I just told him no and went back to watching the movie.
I started thinking about one of my favorite quotes tonight. The one that says If you love something, set it free...if it comes back its yours, if not it was never meant to be. Sometimes when you let go of people, they shouldnt come back. I am not the smartest person. A normal person would only need to get burned once before they stopped playing with fire. Unfortunately, it takes two times for me. I wish he hadnt come back. I was doing just fine without him.
This is the very reason that I dont let people in. The walls are there for a reason. And I took them down for him, but now I see I shouldnt have. So its time to start building again. Sure it may keep people out. But it also keeps out all the pain that comes with them. I would rather sacrifice that pound of love just so I didnt have to feel that ounce of pain.
"MsTornado" called me tonight. We talked for over two hours. She has been in this situation so I thought she would have some insight. She thinks that I should just let him do it. Let him rent the room. She doesnt think its going to be as disastrous as I envision it to be. I just dont know.
Now before I forget, I have to answer a question that was asked to me by Jo. I was asked how it came about that he lives with me and doesnt pay rent. All I can respond to that with is...I am a dumbass. He just started being here alot and finally he mentioned moving in. Nothing was ever said about rent by either of us. I am the one at fault here. I have made it way too easy for him. I didnt need the money and wanted him to stay. How foolish I was looking back on it all now.
So I have decided to surrender. I just dont have the energy or strength in me to argue with him on this anymore. I am throwing in the towel. I am going to take "MsTornado"'s advice and just let him do it. I give up. We have beaten the hell out of this topic and neither one of us wants to back down. Well, I suppose I will just lose by forfeit here.