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I think I'm paranoid...
Written at 10:29 a.m. on Monday, Apr. 07, 2003

I dont know if I am being justifiably cautious or if I am being a neurotic hypochondriac.

Ever since I found out that I have MS, I have almost had to live in a bubble away from anyone that isnt 100% healthy. I never know when, if or how bad something will make me sick. One person's cold could be my pneumonia.

I got extremely worried when I found out that I cant be around people undergoing chemo treatment when I am taking steroids. Thankfully, the lady who sent me into that utter state of panic isnt really working with me anymore. She's more on call than anything. So I can breathe easier about that.

Well, over the last week, life has introduced me to a very cool person. She and I have hung out all weekend and are starting to form a nice friendship. Unfortunately, yesterday she divulged something to me that has since sent me into another panic attack.

She told me about all of the health issues that she has. One of them got me a little concerned. Its a really long term that can barely be pronounced, much less spelled correctly. So I will just tap on the gist of it.

Basically, its a staph infection that doesnt respond to antibiotics. And as I was reading up on it today, I learned that people with compromised immune systems have to be very careful being around people with this.

I want to call my doctor so badly and inquire with him about this. But I always feel like I am just being overly paranoid sometimes. He has never made me feel bad about coming to him about these things, but I still feel like I am overreacting about these things.

Talking to my mother the other day, she told me as a kid, if anyone was ever sick with something, I would swear that I had it too. That most kids were reading Cat in the Hat, while I was reading the Symptoms, Illness & Surgery book. She said it was always on my nightstand and was pretty much my bible.

I remember a few times when it was really bad. At about 8, I went through this whole "episode" where I wouldnt touch anything. And if I did, I would immediately wash my hands. When it was time to go to bed, I would lay down a fresh set of sheets on my bed. I WAS ONLY 8!

She even said one time I came running in the house crying and screaming. She thought I was bleeding or badly injured because I was screaming so hard. When she came over to me I started yelling Dont touch me, you'll get it too. What 8 yr old does that? None that I know.

So back to my current dilema. I have a history of being overly cautious about these things. But with my immune system, it kind of gives me reason to be careful.

And if I do call him and he tells me that I cant be around her, how do you tell someone that? How do you tell them that they can physically harm you just by being around you. I dont think I could say that to someone. But in the same breath, I have to protect myself.

I hate this. I hate having to worry about these things. I feel like that 8 yr old kid all over again. Obsessing over things that I just cant get out of my mind. Its enough to drive a person if I'm not already there.