I just finished sitting in "MsMoHoney"'s room talking to her. I got to thinking about time. (This may just be a medicinally induced euphoric thought)
I feel old sometimes. Okay, alot. And I dont mean old as in old by age in numbers. I mean old as in feeling you have lived alot longer than you have. I just cant believe how quickly the last four months have gone by. It feels like yesterday was just Valentine's Day and the day before that was New Year's.
I started thinking about how as a kid when you were told that Christmas or your birthday wouldnt happen again for another year. And you think about a year in time and it just seems like forever. But as you get older, a year starts to feel like a blink. And that is starting to scare me.
See what happens when I have too much time on my hands. I start thinking. No, but really, I started thinking about my time and how inefficiently its spent. And I need to change that. Every 60 seconds is another minute...another minute gone by that I missed out on something great.
I am trying to be as understanding as I can with him about his job. The fact is...I hate it. I hate that on a friday or saturday night when all of my friends are out with their boyfriends, mine is at work. I hate that he's missing time with me and I'm missing time with him. And time is something that you can never get back.
I have decided that it may never get any better than this as he confessed that he hasnt actively been looking for another job. That's fine. But this isnt the way that I'm going to live. I just cant do it. I cant sleep in an empty house and come home to him sleeping day in and day out.
When "MsMoHoney" moves out and the reality that I am here all alone sets in, I am out of here. I will be out doing things, seeing people...living a little. And if he doesnt want to come along for the ride, that's fine. But this bus is leaving with or without him.
And I am not saying that I am going to be out looking for someone else. I am not interested in that. What I am saying, is that I'm finding it a little hard to breathe in this tiny ass apartment. And I am getting a serious case of cabin fever.
I will admit that I will probably be here less and less everyday. And its not something that I'm doing to try to get back at him. Yeah, he probably wont even notice I'm gone. What I want is for him to feel like I do when I am here by myself...alone...and get himself a regular job. But that may just be a hopeless wish.
Hope, well...she's a lying bitch...and yet every day I hope.