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These four walls close in more everyday
Written at 9:07 a.m. on Tuesday, Apr. 15, 2003

Sometimes I wake up and wonder what I am doing with someone who is such a polar opposite of myself.

He called me on my way home from work yesterday. He said how Jack in the Box sounded good for dinner and did that sound okay to me. I said it sounded fine. Then he asked if I could stop and pick it up on my way home. It's pouring down rain, my car has really bad tires on it, he has been home all day (sleeping, I'm sure)...and he wants me to stop and get dinner. Oh, yes, I forgot...that's the woman's duty. NOT!

So I asked him if that's the reason that he was calling. Because we almost never talk on the phone. No, I missed you too. Yeah, I bet. Then he said we could just order a pizza when I get home.

When I got home, we ordered a pizza. For some reason, he always orders wings with it. Whatever, I dont really care. When I was finished, it started another "Let's bug the hell out of Tracey" comment. He started telling me that I had to eat that last wing. I said no. He asked again. I said no again. Then he picked the wing up and was trying to stick it in my mouth. I almost stuck it up his ass. I just dont understand what his problem is.

I cant get him to understand. I dont need to eat as much as he does. And if he doesnt start letting up on it, he's going to find himself eating alone. I dont need to hear it every damn meal.

Then out of nowhere last night he asked me When I leave at night, do you always go out ho'ing? I dont know where that came from. But I did tell him No, I dont. But I am going to start getting out more. I am sorry if that bothers you, but I cant sit in this house alone all the time. Its driving me crazy.

All I want is for him to get another job. One that will have him home at night and allow us to go away on the weekends if we wanted to. This just isnt working for me anymore. I have no problem with going out without him. Actually after that fiasco a week ago, I prefer it. I just dont want to hear the comments from him about where I was and what I was doing. If he cared so much, he would be there.

Like this morning, I asked him if he fed the cat. He said he hadnt. I told him it must have been a dream then, because I clearly remember his talking to the cat and saying he would feed him. He then commented about how I talk in my sleep. To which I snapped back How would you know? You arent here when I sleep, you never are. He then shut up. Because he knows I am right.

I know he hates this job too. I just cant believe he hasnt even been looking for something else. When he accepted this job he told me it would only be for a few days...then it was a few weeks. It is now four months later.

I have already made plans for pretty much this whole week. And I know its going to bother him when I start walking out the door with him at night to go somewhere. If he were here, I wouldnt need to. But I cant sit bottled up in some tiny little apartment. And its not right for him to expect me to.

This will probably be the whole of our undoing right here. And if it is, then it is.