Written at 8:56 a.m. on Monday, Apr. 21, 2003
I cant believe its monday already. This weekend has just flown by in a wink.
Time got away from me yesterday and I never did call anyone in my family. I talked to my mom saturday for a while, so that works for me.
We had a really good conversation. These past few months we have been getting alot closer. Its the closest that we have been since I was 13.
So much time has passed that we dont really know each other anymore. But we're getting there. I tried to explain to her yesterday when she commented on me not being a certain way. What she doesnt realize is that she has only known me on the surface for that past 9 years.
We were talking about all of the crap that's been going on. It's absolutely true...you always end up with someone who reminds you of your father. He reminds me so much of my father on so many different levels.
But, the thing that scares me is that if that is true, I already know how this story ends. And being as my father isnt here, its not a happy ending.
Besides, it really hard to be with someone who has absolutely no ambition. No desire to be anything better than they are. And that isnt much to begin with.
I have stopped looking down that road to see what lies ahead. To be quite honest, I am not really interested in knowing it anymore. I have stopped looking at this as a relationship that has any possibility. He is simply passing my time for the moment.
The sad thing is, he was right. Everything he said to me at "Cheers" a few weeks ago was true. I do deserve so much better than this. And he isnt going to be able to give me all of the things I deserve.
We were talking about Easter yesterday. His mother had called and he didnt answer the phone. He cant even bury the hatchet on the holidays. I thought I had a lot of anger and resentment...its nothing compared to him. He told me that his mother ruined his life. I told him that no one can ruin your life but you. You cant put that much stock into one person.
Not to mention forgiveness. Sometimes you just have to let go of things. Holding on tends to hurt more after a while. And I hate how his experiences have turned him into a bitter cynic.
And I realized this weekend exactly how codependent I am. Too much. I always see people in a predicament and feel like I need to swoop in and make everything right. Well, not only have I learned that I cant, but I now see that I just dont have the strength to try anymore.
"MsBrightEyes" called me the other day crying. She needed somewhere to stay for a couple of days. I told her she couldnt come here. Now normally I would say yes...to her, to anyone. But that is how she is. I dont hear from her until she has screwed herself and needs someone to get her out of a jam. And that someone tends to be me more often than not. I cant do it.
It would be different if I knew that she would reciprocate it for me. Or if I knew that someday she would learn to do it for herself, but as long as I step in and continually take care of it for her, she wont.
Some people never learn.