This is my world, this is who I am...and I'm not gonna give up myself to make your life better
Written at 9:23 a.m. on Tuesday, Apr. 22, 2003
The other day I sent out an email to all of my friends and family telling them I am getting rid of my AOL service. I listed two different email addresses to email me at and said effective saturday.
Well, it is now Tuesday and five different people have continued to email me at my old email address. I havent gotten around to cancelling my old service yet, so I can check that email for now.
My point here is...doesnt anyone listen to me? I am starting to think the answer to that is no.
So this morning I was sleeping when he came home. I normally am. He took a shower and then came and laid down next to me. I was wide awake by this point so we started talking.
I said something about his job. The fact is that he doesnt get much time off, but when he does he tries to work overtime. I told him he's never here. He shoots back at me with Well, at least I come home. And my overanalytical mind doesnt want to misinterpret what he means by that, so I asked him to explain. At least I come home every day. You didnt come Saturday night.
You think? He really should be a detective. Because the fact that I am usually sleeping when he comes in and I wasnt Sunday morning, combined with the fact that I walked in almost two hours after he got home wearing the same exact thing I walked out wearing Saturday night is something that your average person might not pick up on. It takes a super sleuth to notice that.
To be quite honest, I really didnt care either way if he knew I had stayed out all night or not. I didnt do anything wrong, contrary to what he may have concocted in his head.
And I have to admit that it was very hypocritical of me. Because I would be pissed if he did that to me. But that day, I didnt particularly care what he thought or how he felt about anything. The truth is, I only moderately care now.
I have played by the rules long enough now. I am going to be decent to him, but I'm not going to go out of my way to make him comfortable at my expense. I did that for the 6 yrs I was with "MrApronStrings". I gave up all the friends I had because he didnt want me to have any. I revolved my life around him. I stayed at home playing house instead of ever going out. I guess I am just not that malleable anymore.
And something "MrApronStrings" said to me a long time ago hit me the other day. He said One day you're going to resent me for robbing you of the best years of your life. I didnt see it then, but looking back on it now, I can. Those 6 yrs have become one big blur to me. And those should've been my prime years, but they werent. They were the worst years I can remember.
My point here is, I cant wait to come out of this relationship to have another revelation. I dont have another 6 yrs to waste. It either has to be repaired now, or replaced.
He has one more chance to get his shit together. And even that is giving him one chance too much. But yeah, one chance. Last chance.