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And if I have nothing left to show but tears on my pillow
Written at 11:58 p.m. on Tuesday, Apr. 22, 2003

I dont even know where to start. I was more frustrated today than I have been in a very long time.

First, I came home and noticed the trash still sitting outside the front door. I had called him this morning and asked him to please take it out because the possums (which are the size of Saint Bernards) have gotten into it and ripped the bag open. But yeah, the trash is still sitting there.

I came in and spent over an hour working with the phone company. I still dont have phone service at my house and have been using my cell phone all night. And they cant seem to tell me when I can expect it back on again.

Then, I got a cd in the mail from tuff517 from our cd swap thing. So being the good girlfriend that I am, I decided to listen to it in the living room on the dvd player so I wouldnt wake him up. But to my dismay, when I tried to open the damn thing I noticed that the drawer has been pushed in and wont open.

By this time, I was ready to just put my face into my pillow and just cry. I am just at my wits end with everything.

When he finally woke up, we headed off to Walmart. Oh yeah, what a date, huh. He had to take back some air drill that he bought the other day. He ended up buying me a new dvd player...because he knew he was the one that busted mine. I knew it too, but I didnt want to point the finger.

We stopped and grabbed dinner on the way back. When we got back was when I quickly lost my appetite. He started talking about that damn room again. Which only winds up getting us into an argument about it. This time was no exception. He basically told me what he wanted and said that if he couldnt get it, he would have to find a place somewhere else.

For the first time, I told him he could go. I wasnt going to try to work it out this time. I am done being the one who has to step in with a bandaid and try to patch everything up. I told him he could leave. Then he came back about 5 mins later and told me that its my choice and to let him know. I asked him if I could think about it and get back to him on it.

We both agreed that when this stopped being fun, we need to just walk away. I dont know about him, but I havent had fun in a long time. I can feel myself getting angry alot. Not hurt, not upset, not sad...angry. Furious really. And I hate that feeling because its usually then that I say or do something I later regret.

As he left tonight, I walked out with him. I ended up going to "Cheers" and meeting up with "Ms2inchman" and her boyfriend. There was no one there tonight, but it was kinda nice. We just sat in a booth in the back and talked all night.

I told her that he was in such a hurry when he left tonight that he left behind his cell phone. She told me to be careful...I just might find something out that I dont want to know. Well, anyone who knows me knows that I dont do well with warnings. I continue to walk right into the fire anyway.

So when I got home tonight, I decided to fumble through it. And lets just say, she was right. Not only did I find he has his ex-girlfriend's number in there, but my number isnt anywhere in his phone book. Who puts their ex's number in there, but not their current girlfriend? A son of a bitch...that's who. And not only that, but when I went through the call history...she was in both incoming and outgoing calls from friday.

And its going to be hard to confront him about it, because that would be admitting that I was snooping through his phone. And I dont want to do that. That just makes me look bad. So I figure that with all of today's occurances...he used up his last chance.

Sometime tomorrow, I dont know when, I am going to sit down with him and tell him that he has to leave. I cant even begin to explain how much it hurts, but I will get through this too. And I'm sure in the long run I will be glad that I did it.

I just feel like I did when I was with "MrApronStrings". The unhappy part that is. Where I got to the point where I couldnt even get out of bed and all I wanted do was sleep all day. But I cant let that happen this time.

Now its time to wipe my eyes and be strong. I dont feel it, but I suppose I can fake it.

Wish me luck!