I should be crying but I just cant let it show...I should be hoping but I cant stop thinking
Written at 9:58 a.m. on Wednesday, Apr. 23, 2003
Ok, quick update to last night's entry.
I kinda had it out with him this morning. Which is exactly what I didnt want to do because I didnt want to go to work upset, but he left me no other choice. And when I say "kinda" I say that because he thinks I'm full of shit.
For once it was more me talking and him listening. He said again how I deserve so much better than him. I told him he was right. I do. I also told him there's not a day that goes by that I dont look further down the road and see a dead end. There really is no future for us.
What it comes down to is him being afraid to give himself emotionally to someone because of all the stuff that has happened to him in the past. Well, I cant be with someone that I feel emotionally sheltered off from. I keep trying, but I can only seem to get so close before he throws up the walls and blocks me out again.
He asked why we keep having this recurring discussion. I told him it was because every other time we had this conversation and he talked about leaving, I would say No, dont leave. I can give in and let you do that, please dont leave. And I told him, to be honest, I didnt care anymore if he left.
Then he told me that we are about as opposite as two people possibly could be. I've been saying that in my entries for a while now, it was just funny to hear it from him. He called me an innocent virgin. Umm, ok.
I pretty much told him that I think its best if he didnt live here, but I cant just kick him out with no where to go. So I said that he could stay for another month until I find someone else to take the room. That's giving us both time to get our ducks in a row.
Then as I'm walking out the door, he tells me to think about what I want to do and let him know. Either he isnt listening to me or he thinks I'm bluffing. I can assure you, I'm not bluffing.
He'll never be the man I need him to be. I dont think he'll ever be the man he wants to be. He has way too much anger inside of him and I can feel it starting to pour over onto me. I need to get out before it consumes me.