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This is how it is, I've got my own life to can either accept me or baby let me go
Written at 8:55 a.m. on Friday, Apr. 25, 2003

Its finally friday. I felt like this day couldnt come soon enough.

Things at home are...well, tolerable for the most part. We really havent been talking about the issues that we should be. I'm just too worn down to get into any of it with him.

Yet again, I woke up with a headache this morning. I have been getting headaches alot lately. I have always had headaches frequently. But, it hasnt been until recently that I started waking up with a headache.

Last night I went over to visit "MsMoHoney". It gives me the oppurtunity the step outside of this distorted reality that I like to life. Every now and then I need to just take a breather from it.

I know this may sound incredibly selfish on my part...but, I have decided to start putting myself first. I'm so tired of trying to fix other people's problems while I cant even seem to take care of my own. Like this morning, when he told me that he may need to take his car in today to get fixed, my initial reaction was to tell him to call me if he needs a ride back. I've gotta stop doing that.

I'm all about doing things for people when I feel like they would reciprocate it for me. One time, I asked him if he could pick me up at the auto place because I needed new tires on my car. Not only did he ask me if I could wait until Monday and drop it off near my work and get someone from work to pick me up...but, yeah, my car still doesnt have new tires. Now, am I the only one that sees something wrong with this?

So I told him this morning that I would pick him up but next time I need something from him, I dont want the rolled eyes or the lame excuses. Its going to be a two way relationship or nothing at all.

Next thing I am going to do is put Operation GOMA (Get Off My Ass) back into effect. I dont know how many times I have made that statement, but I have to follow through on it.

Yesterday, I made another large payment on one of my credit cards. It was my Macy's card. The good part is that they will reinstate my credit card. The bad part is that they will reinstate my credit card. I kept telling the guy on the phone that I shouldnt have it reinstated, in fact, I shouldnt be allowed to have credit cards...ever.

Tomorrow, I plan on going to a gym (dont know which one yet) and getting a membership. I know me...if I am paying for something, I tend to use it more. It also gets me out of the house and out doing something productive.

I am going to force things to start falling in to place.

As far as what I'm going to do with him...I dont know. Part of me keeps wishing and hoping and praying that if I just keep trying hard enough, I can mold him into the person that he should be. The other part of me knows that I will never be able to do that and its probably time that I just walk away and close the door. And never look back. (Dont look back, you can never look back)