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Boy you best pray that I bleed real's that thought for ya
Written at 1:38 a.m. on Monday, Apr. 28, 2003

Another weekend has come and gone...but this time I managed to get out of the house alot.

Yesterday, I webt to Trader Joe's and did our grocery shopping. Back in December when I went home for the holidays, a few of my family members gave me money to send them some special spice that they cant get back in Baltimore. That was in December...its now April. So I figured I had better send them something or they're going to start asking for their money back.

I had this weird dream the other night. I dreamt that I was sitting on the bench outside of "Cheers" and I saw "MsSlowCookingTheBeans" walking towards me. She was stumbling and having trouble walking. When she finally got to me, she handed me a baby and then went inside.

I had told him about the dream. I told him how bizarre the dream was and how I dont know why I dreamt that. He said I know why, you're pregnant.

He really needs to get off this kick he has about me being pregnant. That's the last thing I need to happen. And I dont need to be thinking about it either. And he says it with this nonchalant attitude of his. He already has three kids...with two different women. He shouldnt be so okay with it. Not that I am really worried anyway. Although, I cant say that him bringing it up so often isnt worrying me.

I think he's starting to catch on a little bit. Yesterday we were sitting in the living room and he started talking about how a big scenic picture of the ocean would look on the wall above the tv. I kinda shot him this look and he said Oh that's right, you're kicking me out in a month. Kinda like he was mocking me. Like he didnt believe me. "MsMoHoney" thinks that we're both giving ultimatums of bluffs.

Tonight I went and picked up "MrZingers" and took him to "Cheers". Before I left the house, "MrBigDaddy" heard me on the phone with him making plans. And of course he had some smartass thing to say about me going out. Just once I would like to leave the house without hearing comments from him. It would be nice.

Besides, I dont know how he can expect me to sit home all alone night after night. I wont do it. He thinks he's mentally stronger than me. He's been taking my assigned parking space here at home. And I think he's doing it thinking that I wont go out because there wont be a parking space for me when I come home. He's thinking wrong.

Its sad, because I have this boyfriend...and he can be real cool sometimes...but most of the time...he's useless to me. He sleeps all day. We never go anywhere together. We never do anything. He doesnt want me to have a life or friends. Some of my close guy friends are a better boyfriend to me than he is.

So tonight I absolutely had to get out of the house. I went to "Cheers" with "MrZingers" and we had a blast. It was the usual sunday night crowd with the exception of some special appearances from a few people I havent seen in about 9 months. One of them was "MrRedemption". He's awesome. We took some pictures tonight that I will post when he emails them to me.

He's also going to be emailing me with a schedule of the dance classes he teaches. I think it would be really good for me. I would be out with friends, doing something productive. And I need something like that in my life. Something to focus on. Something with stability.

I realized tonight that going and sitting in a bar for five hours just doesnt appeal to me anymore. I mean, I like going occasionally to see friends, but overall...I'm getting too damn old for this. This time last year I was going to "Cheers" on a nightly basis. Now, I'd be lucky if I go once a week.

I just really need to put some structure back into my life. Dance classes, gym membership with "MsAngelic", maybe go back to school like I've been saying I'm going to do for months now. I need to stop talking about doing things and just do them.

The journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step.