And I'm so afraid that I'll plead with you to stay, but I'm gonna be strong...I'll let you go your way
Written at 4:23 p.m. on Monday, Apr. 28, 2003
I dont think I've ever understood it until now.
I never understood why women stay with men that either physically or emotionally abuse them. I never thought of these women as weak. I just dont think they know how strong they could be.
He doesnt do either of those things to me. Its not even a close comparison. I was just thinking and wondering why its become so hard for me to just walk away. Why I cant just bring an end to it. I have a million and one reasons in my head why I should. But it doesnt make it any easier on me.
And just like the battered woman, maybe its a self-esteem issue. Not realizing that I owe myself more than this. That I'm worth so much more than this. That I deserve so much more than this. Instead I let him define my self worth.
Every day I become more divided on so many different levels. One half of me looks forward to going home after work and spending at least a little bit of time with him, yet the other half knows that when I step foot through that door my frustration will begin.
I'm not asking the world from him. I'm not asking for something of material possession. All I want from him is his time. How easy that should be...but it isnt. All I really want is to feel like I am one half of something...instead of someone pulling all the weight alone. And that's exactly how I feel 23 hours a day...alone. Because in all honestly, I get to maybe spend an hour a day with him...if I'm lucky.
And I want to be with someone who is as anxious to come home and be with me as I am of them. I want to be able to go out of a friday night to the movies or dinner instead of kissing him goodbye every night as he goes off to work. And I want to be able to go to the beach or little road trips on the weekends instead of sitting there watching him sleep his days away.