Do you wanna know, know that it doesnt hurt me...do you wanna hear about the deal we're making
Written at 8:47 a.m. on Wednesday, Apr. 30, 2003
I did it! I really did it! Ya'll would've been so proud of me.
This morning was great...in a way. I think we're finally on the same page now. He made some comment about my cat and how he will probably end up moving out in a few months because of him. Then I said I kinda thought you would be moving in a month. Oh, you should have seen the look on his face. It was priceless.
It was a magical moment, I tell ya. It was as if everything I had been holding back on just came flying out. And I wasnt thinking about what I was saying, it just poured. And it was exactly what I wanted to say too. I even surprised myself a few times.
I basically told him that I cant keep living like this with him. Its one thing to be in a relationship and wonder if it's going to go somewhere or not, but it's a whole other issue to know its a dead end road. I also told him that he has to stop basing future expectations on his past experiences. He has held on to too much and its eating him up.
I also told him that I cant have him having his own room. That may sound selfish on my part, but I cant help it. For one, people in relationships that live together generally dont have seperate rooms. And two, I barely see him as it is now and we share a room now. I know I'd never see him if we had seperate rooms.
I also told him that I'd been thinking about everything that he said that night at "Cheers" and he was right...I do deserve better. And if he isnt willing to try to be what I deserve, well then I'll just have to count my losses and move on.
His only rebuttle to anything was a conversation he overheard me have yesterday before he left. An old friend had called to see if I wanted to go to the movies and I told him that I was tired and just wanted to stay home. So he brought that up this morning and even called him by his name. He said that I'd be mad if I overheard him like that on the phone with "her". I cant beleive he actually used her as an example.
Then he proceeded to tell me that he's sure I got upset when I looked through his phone and saw her listed in there. That he knows I've looked through his phone. Now, I dont really care if he knows that I did. That hurt me alot. To look in his phone and see that he has an ex-girlfriends telephone number in there but not mine...his current girlfriend.
I dont know how he overhears half the conversations that he does. But when I asked him if that had bothered him, he said no. I have maybe four really good friends that are girls, the rest are guys. He knows that...he used to be one of them.
That's another thing that I told him. He had mentioned that he still would like to have a friendship come out of this. I told him that's not happening, that when we split up and he moves out that I really dont want to keep in contact with him. It's just alot easier for me that way. If I dont have to see him, I dont have to think about him. Out of sight, out of mind.
He told me to remember that this was my choice. I told him to remember that he was the one who drove me to this choice. I didnt just wake up one morning and think I'd end a good relationship for nothing. I have been way too unhappy for way too long.
The weird part is that I thought when this time came I would be alot more sad than I am. Dont get me wrong, I'm sad that this is happening. I would really have liked for this to work out. But, I'm not as sad as I thought I would be. I thought I'd be devastated and I'm not.
So in response to "MsMoHoney" saying that we both were giving ultimatums on a bluff...yeah, I called that bluff.