Lying beside you, here in the dark...feeling your heartbeat with mine
Written at 9:00 a.m. on Thursday, May. 01, 2003
How ucomfortable was it last night. VERY!
I wasnt feeling well yesterday so I left work a little before noon. It was a combination of the headache that I've had for two weeks and arguing with him all morning. I hate leaving work early, but I just couldnt make it.
When I got home, he was still there. He was sleeping, of course. The first thing I noticed was how different my bedroom looked. He had taken all of his stuff and moved it into the other bedroom. Its weird because "MsMoHoney" hasnt even moved all of her stuff out yet.
I tried to lay down and take a nap when I got home, but I just couldnt do it. I wanted to break down crying so many times. I wanted...needed...someone to talk me through this and tell me that I'm doing the right thing. In the long run, I know I am. But my heart just doesnt seem to understand that.
I ended up calling "MsTornado" who, thankfully, had the day off work so I asked her if she would meet me for coffee. I just needed to get out of that house for a little bit. It was getting really hard to breathe in there.
So she met me at the Starbucks near me house and we spent an hour or two just sitting there talking. She was in a very similar situation not that long ago, so I went to her for advice.
When I got back home, he was still sleeping. I pretty much took my blanket from my bed and vegged out on the sofa watching tv. He finally woke up around close to 9. It figures that the one day he has off work would be when we are not really wanting to be around each other. It was so hard to be there with him all night.
He came out and sat in the living room with me. It was really awkward for a while there. Neither one of us were saying anything. Finally, we got to the point where we were making small, very awkward, talk.
At about midnight, my home phone rang. I started wondering who could be calling me at midnight. I looked at the caller id and the number looked familiar, but it didnt register who it was. It was "MrLightening". He was another one of the landmines in the battleground that I call my love life.
He said he was calling because he was moving and he wanted me to know where he was at. He gave me the number to his new place. Then, he started in on the "I miss you"'s and the "I love you"'s. So I had to end that conversation quickly. I'm not about to get into that mess again.
I had made up my mind that I was going to sleep on the sofa. The only thing that I didnt count on was that I wouldnt be able to sleep while he was out there. I had gotten to the point where I was practically forcing myself to stay awake. Finally, we both fell asleep out there.
At around 4am, he woke up and headed into the bedroom. He asked me if I was coming, but I told him it would be better if I slept on the sofa. About two seconds later I decided that my neck and head hurt too badly to sleep out there...so I broke down and went in the bedroom.
It was fine until he hit me in the head with a pillow...hopefully by accident. I know I said something about it, but I cant remember what I said. All I remember was after I said it, he took my arm and wrapped it around him. It was a bitter-sweet feeling.
This is exactly why I knew I should have slept on the sofa. Because I know that I am incredibly weak when it comes to breaking down and giving in. But I just laid there with my arm across his stomache with him holding my hand all night. When I woke up three hours later, we were still in that position. Which was interesting because we both toss and turn alot when we are sleeping.
I'm not going to pretend that I dont care. I want him to know that I'm hurting. I'm not going to be vindictive or spiteful...I wouldnt want him to be like that to me.
God, I want him to just wake up and realize that he's throwing away something that he's going to later regret, because no one is ever going to love him like I did. He may not realize it for a while, but one day he's going to wake up and think to himself "Man, what did I do? I had a good thing going with her and I just threw it all away."