Am I just fooling myself, that you'll stop the pain
Written at 10:06 p.m. on Saturday, May. 03, 2003
I cant even begin to explain how utterly tired I am right now.
The past 24 hours have been good. Really good. Which always leaves me wondering when the other shoe is going to drop.
Last night when he finally woke up at 10, he came into the living room. It seems he didnt have to work last night. I was starting to get worried. It was 9:30 and he hadnt left for work. He was sleeping so sound, I almost got a stick to poke him with just to make sure he was still alive.
We spent the entire night laying on the sofa talking. It was exactly what I needed with him. It was all of the things I have been asking for lately. His undivided attention, for even a little bit. Last night I had it until 9 am, when I realized that I couldnt stay awake any longer.
I managed to sleep from 9:30-11:30. When I got up, he was still awake. My personal trainer flaked on me today. He called me to ask if we could reschedule it for another day. I cant say I was too disappointed. I was tired and really didnt want to go anyway.
Instead, we went out to breakfast. Then we headed up to get his paycheck cashed. On the way back down, we decided to stop into Ikea. We bought so much stuff. I finally bought the dresser I've so desperately needed for a while now. But when we got home and he got more than halfway into it, we realized that it was missing a bag of screws. That means tomorrow I'm going to have to go back there. That place was a madhouse today.
We sat talking for a while again until we both realized that we had to get some more sleep. By this time it was 5pm. He had managed to stay awake for me all night and all day...and was only going to get four hours of sleep before he went to work. Its been the most time I've spent with him in a long time. I spent more time with him today than I have in the past month.
I'm not getting my hopes up here that it'll continue to be like this. Today was almost too good to be true. We walked through Ikea picking out all kinds of stuff that we want to come back and buy. Well, that was mostly me. He doesnt get much say in the way our house is decorated. After the deal with the clocks, he doesnt get to do anything without prior written permission.
While we were out, he showed me what area he wants to move to. I was assuming he meant in the very near future and without me. That was until he mentioned how the drive for me to and from work isnt as bad as it seems.
If things were always as good as they were today, we would have absolutely no problems. It was exactly how I want things to be...it was perfect. Or pretty damn close to it.
While we were driving, he mentioned something about his job. When I started complaining about it and said that I wanted him to get a M-F 9 to 5 job, he said that all we'd do is sit home fighting with each other. I told him Maybe that's what you did with (mother of his children), but that's not how I do it.
I keep changing my mind on what I want to do with him. One minute I'm wanting him to stay, then I'm halfway out the door, then I'm wanting him to stay again. I keep believing that he's gotten it together and can be the man I need him to be, only to be let down. So excuse me if I dont neccessarily believe that it will stay this way. I'm hoping, but I've already mentioned my feeling towards Hope.
I just feel like I made a little bit of progress today. Maybe I'm being blinded by my own hopes and expectations, but I feel like today I managed to get a little closer to that blocked off section that he doesnt allow anyone to go near. I've been determined to get in there one way or another.
I'm really not holding my breath here. But he's got until the end of the month to show some initiative and change. Today was a step in the right direction, but I'm looking for a huge leap. We'll see.