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Can't live for tomorrow, tomorrow's much too long
Written at 12:48 a.m. on Monday, May. 05, 2003

This weekend sure flew by in a blink.

This is the first good weekend that I've had in a long time. I just let go of the things that I'd been holding in and just had fun. It wasnt as hard as I thought it was going to be.

A good friend of mine gave me really good advice the other day, she said Take 24 hours and disconnect your phone, turn off the cell phone and dont really talk to anyone. If you spend that time thinking about things without outside distraction and opinions, you will better be able to decide what you want. How true it was.

I'm in no way saying that things are perfect. They never will be. But its a big improvement over what it was before. Its a funny feeling that I cant explain. For the first time in a long time, there's been more laughs than tears around here.

I finally for the first time ever in the entire time that we have been together, actually felt like we were together. I've always felt like I needed to not only stay a certain distance away, but I felt like I had to put up walls of my own. For protection. I always felt like if I let him in, it would just be a repeat of the first time we were together. Because the first time we were together, it was when I started to let him in and not put on such thick armor, that it started to fall apart.

I see now how the whole taking risks thing works. With people its a little harder for me. There's more of a gamble there, because it can always go either any moment. But I cant dwell on the maybe's or the what if's anymore. Instead of working so hard to get things the way I want them, I'm going to stop trying so hard and just let things go where they may. The right outcome always comes out of every situation. Even if at the time you dont think its the right one, in the long run you will.

I dont know, maybe this is just my 1 am babblings of nonsense. But I feel good. Like either way, I'm gonna come out of it okay. I needed to stop trying so hard to secure tomorrow, when I've been neglecting today. I've been worrying so hard of what tomorrow is going to bring, that I havent been living in today. Tomorrow will always be a day away, today is the right here, right now of it all. It's where I need to be living.