Did you ever know that you're my hero
Written at 3:20 p.m. on Monday, May. 05, 2003
I've been having this ongoing conversation with my mother about how we all inevitably end up like our mothers. I had hoped that this was a fallacy, but unfortunately its not.
I can see it more and more everyday. Growing up I used to constantly ask if I was adopted, because I never thought I looked like either of my parents. Now, I'm turning into a little mini-mom. That isnt necessarily a bad thing. I've always thought she was a beautiful woman.
The part that scares me are the personality traits that I can see blooming. I used to look at these as a bad thing. Now I see it in a whole other light. At first I was afraid to end up like her. I was there during my childhood (duh!) and I saw how much she struggled. A single mom raising a daughter on her own with almost no help from her ex-husband.
I saw her struggles as a weakness almost. Something I wanted to avoid completely. I remember her telling me You've got to go out there and make your own way in the world. You cant wait for some man to come along and do it for you. She was right about that. Moms are smart like that.
I hated seeing her struggle so much. I can only imagine how scared she was, but she never let it show. But seeing her be strong and make things happen even when she was in the worst of situations, taught me how to be independent and strong-willed. Personality traits that I never noticed until now. Ones that I dont mind inheriting.
Why am I writing this? I dont know. Do I have a point? Not really. It was just a random little thought that popped into my head.
I guess something, probably a commercial on the radio, made me think of Mother's day. Which in turn got me thinking about how far my mother and I have come in our relationship.
I just kinda packed up one day and took off. I had one bag, about 600 dollars...and a plane ticket. I came out to California and started a new life. I've never regretted coming out here. It was a life experience to say the least. But I always wondered if we would have been close if I'd have stayed in Baltimore. I just kinda left one day and never looked back.
Over the years, we barely talked. Even on holidays we sometimes didnt speak. Yeah, she may have raised a daughter that was independent and strong-willed. But strong-willed somehow evolved into stubborn spoiled brat over the years.
But lately, we have become so incredibly close. We talk almost all the time. If I'm having a mentally frustrating day, I call her. It was funny because about a month or two ago, I was having a really bad day and I just couldnt stop crying and out of all the close friends I have here...she was the person that I called.
I appreciate her opinions and suggestions. After all, isnt it better to get advice from someone who's been there before? Every now and then she's known to open her mouth and let a pearl come out.
Sounds like an after school special, doesnt it. I dont know. Sometimes at work I get a little bored and my mind starts to wonder off to the strangest of places. I'm just getting a little restless. I wanna go home so I figured doing an entry would pass the time more quickly than just staring out the window.
But really, it hasnt been any quicker. So now I'm gonna go stare out the window for a while.