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We are family...
Written at 2:28 p.m. on Thursday, May. 08, 2003

I sometimes wonder how it came about that I was chosen to be the black sheep of the family. Is it kinda like duck, duck,'re it.

I've always felt, not so much separated, just not connected to my family. My immediate family like my mother, grandparents...I am very close to. I'm talking about aunts and uncles. Well, mostly the ones that are geographically the closest to me.

I never understood why I was the one branded the outsider. I look at all of my cousins and think But, I havent done half the stuff that they've done. I've always been the "good one". Ok, not always, but I've always been the one that managed to stay out of trouble.

I havent crashed every car that was given to me. I havent been strung out on crystal meth for long periods at a time. I havent cheated on my spouse, thereby causing a divorce. I havent popped out three kids by the time I got out of my teens. I've never been an alcoholic.

So what is it? Why am I looked upon like I'm the one who brought the plague to our family. Like it was perfect before I came along and infected it.

And its not everyone in my family that thinks that. And maybe its just all in my head. I dont know.

I've been dwelling on something my mother told me about a month ago. We were having one of our "open and honest" discussions and she wanted to take me down memory lane.

What she told me was there was a guy that she was seeing when I was about 6-ish and I liked him alot. And apparently he liked me alot too. Enough that he wanted to marry my mother and adopt me. I vaguely remember little bits of it here and there. But something my father did made him go away. And we never saw him again.

I almost wish I didnt know that story. Because when I think back to the things I said the other day about watching my mother struggle, I find myself wondering what my life would have been like if he'd have stayed. And I dont like dwelling on the "what if's" of life. But I cant help picturing how drastically different it all would have been.

He was a nice guy, I do remember that. And he had alot of money, so we would never have worried about that. But mainly my mother would have been alot happier than she was.

I wonder if I would've had a car at 16 instead of having to bust my ass and saving up to get one. Or if it would have been financially feasible for me to have gone to a nice college instead of doing it semester by semester depending on my finances.

I dont know why these things pop into my head the way that they do. Maybe its because I'm struggling a little right now myself. And I dont have anyone in my family to go to when it gets really hard. And I know that I'll get out of this too...I always do. I just think it would be easier to know that I have somewhere to go to if I needed to.

I just get frustrated with my family. We're all spread out and no one is physically or emotionally close really.

The stubborness runs deep in this family.