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Shame you left my life so soon you should've told me, but you left me far behind
Written at 9:26 a.m. on Thursday, May. 15, 2003

Yeah, last night wasnt as fun as I thought (or hoped) it would be.

I got home and he was slightly awake. He was bundled up and laying on the sofa. He was talking. Or should I say, piping in on my conversation with "MsTornado".

He mentioned that he wanted to take a nap for a little bit. I explained that he had until the end of Roswell or I was going out with out him.

Sure as anything, after Roswell he was still sleeping. So I walked right in the bedroom, got dressed and left. I must admit I didnt get really far being as I had absolutely no clue as to where I was going to go. I was just so pissed that I didnt care.

At about 8, after realizing I can only walk around the apartment complex for so long, I went back home. I wanted to see American Idol anyway.

Somewhere close to the end of it, I started dozing off. I woke up at 12:30 to the sound of my cell phone ringing. I'm not quite sure, but I think it was "MrZingers". I'm pretty sure it was. Last night was his last night here and he was calling to see if I was going to go to "Cheers". Looking back now...I should've went.

I was so pissed last night. Here he has one night off work...and he slept the night away. I really wanted to go out and do something...anything.

I ended up being awake from 12:30 to 3 am. Wide awake. By this point, he was awake too so we just went out into the living room and watched tv. I'm certainly paying for it today. I feel like I have a hangover.

At some point this morning, I'm going to call "MrZingers". He left this morning. I still cant believe that he's gone. I really hate saying goodbye to people. I've never been good at it.

I've always had this feeling when people move away. Like a feeling of being left behind. I know that its not intentional. And I only say left behind because after the person is gone, I am still here. Still here in the very same situation. Because I want so badly to be the one leaving everything behind to go somewhere else and start over again. Its the Anywhere But Here Syndrome.

I just dont want to be here anymore. I came out here scared, but hoping I could plant a seed and watch it grow. The only thing I've seen so far is weeds. One patch of crabgrass after another.

I almost feel like I missed my window of oppurtunity to get out of here. I am relying too much on my medical benefits right now to up and move somewhere else without getting that squared away first.

I want so badly to get out of here, but I feel so trapped. Trapped by circumstances completely out of my control.