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And if I have to crawl upon the floor, come crashing through your, I cant fight this feeling anymore
Written at 10:00 p.m. on Saturday, May. 17, 2003

I've done it, I've really done it.

I have gotten over that wall. I have infiltrated the security system and got myself in there.

We were sitting and watching a movie earlier and I made a small comment like That's how it is, trust me. It was something small and meaningless. And he said I do trust you, you are one of the few people that I do. I've let you as close to me as anyone can be.

That made me feel incredibly good. Because I concluded that it must have taken alot for him to say that...and probably even more to feel it. I've broken through his defense systems.

I know how it is not to trust people and be afraid to let them close to you. Its the story of my life. I've only allowed people to get so close before I put up the barrier and keep them at a distance. Its a comfort thing for me. And I surrendered those barriers to be with him while constantly hoping that he'd do the same for me. And for a while there, I was starting to think I should just give up. But I didnt. I'm no quitter.

Every day with him is another gift. Another chance to open this beautiful present. And not a day goes by that he doesnt cease to amaze me by doing something incredible. Whether it be slipping little things into my purse for me to find later or bringing breakfast for us when he comes home in the mornings. Its always something.

It makes it all worth it. Because for once I'm in a relationship where someone is giving something back to me instead of constantly taking. A feeling of equality.

I've had several doubts about this relationship from the beginning. Most of the time its an issue that I have and is something out of his control. But today allowed me to step back and take a breath of relief. And for once feel secure with him.

We're still planning to go to Las Vegas in a month. I think it'll be good for us to get away for a weekend and go do something. If not just for us, than at least for me.

I've been thinking alot about home today. I started to bring it up to him earlier tonight. I really want to find a way to go home...and I'd like him to come with me. I know its probably very unrealistic for me to think that he'd go, but I will still hope.

I've been having alot of moments of nostalgia lately. Whether it be a slight breeze in the air or a smell, I cant seem to shake these moments. I want to be back there so badly. I want to be with my family. I keep thinking about being back there and attempting to put a plan to action.

I just dont know how to do it. I just cant seem to get these pieces to fit together, no matter how hard I try. I have so many things I need to take care of here before I can even think about going somewhere else.

If nothing else, I made big improvements today. I got alot farther than I had been before. And right now...that's enough for me.