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If I ever lose my faith in you...
Written at 9:35 p.m. on Monday, May. 19, 2003

When you have trust (or lack thereof) issues with someone, is that something that eventually can be repaired?

Once the bond of trust has been broken, is there a way to be able to trust again? If so, how?

I'm trying really hard here, I am. I'm trying to put everything behind me and allow myself to trust again...but its hard if not virtually impossible to fully surrender myself again. I hate getting burned twice when the first time should have been a lesson.

I love him, I know that. I dont fully trust him, I know that too. I know I want to trust him. But I also know that I've been unsuccessful in the past.

When do you stop holding someone accountable for something that they did in the past? Do you ever fully let it go? Can you ever fully let it go? Should you?

I fear the green-eyed monster is upon me. And I'm not sure what to do about it. I've always lived by my ostrich theory...if I put my head in the sand and I cant see it, then it just doesnt exist. Ignorance is bliss that way. But I find myself no longer able to do that. I'm starting to find myself looking for things.

Case in boyfriend. I would love to say he's one of many of my examples, but right now I'm finding him to be my only example.

When I first met him, he was living with the mother of two of his children. He told me that they were not together, but were still living together for the kids. He eventually left her. Not because of me or for me, but because he finally realized that Life is too short and happiness is too valuable to spend it on someone that doesnt make you happy. Coming from being with someone that made me miserable for six years, I completely understood how he felt.

The thing that worries me is the excuses he gave her regarding his whereabouts when he was with me. He still felt the need to lie to her about where he had been, even though they werent together. Or were they? That I'll never know the absolute truth to.

Now that we are living together, I cant help but be cautious to a extent...maybe even to a fault. I am constantly looking for things. I have become too nosy for my own good. And its not only because of his living situation at the time we were first together...its about a relationship with one of his ex's that he's having now.

I dont know how worried, if at all, I should be about this. I havent put a price on it yet. I know that it bothers me...alot. Probably alot more than it should. But I cant help it.

The things I know for a fact:

1. Her number is programmed in his cell phone...mine is not. I know this because as I said, I'm nosy. I checked his cell phone.

2. They still talk...frequently. This I know because, again, I'm nosy. I check his cell phone records.

3. He uses her alot as an example for situations regarding me that bother him. That's not only mean, but its not fair either. There are no comparisons between her and me. There are no similarities between her and any of my ex's that I still talk its not a double standard here.

I know that it bothers me more than I care to admit to him. Only because I'm not there during the day. I dont know what he does when I'm not there. I do know that he says that he sleeps during the day. And I know that he's still sleeping at night when I get there. Almost as if he hadnt been sleeping all day. Which leads me to wonder what the hell it is that he'd been doing all day.

In my heart of hearts, do I think he's cheating on me? I dont know. I certainly hope not. I want to believe that he's not and he wouldnt...but the whole thing with the ex throws me every time.

Its so hard to love someone and be able to trust them with your life...but not your heart.