Go on now go, walk out the door
Written at 3:56 p.m. on Tuesday, May. 20, 2003
I've held off writing about this all day. I'm trying to keep these entries in my private folder because...well, to be honest even I'm getting sick of hearing about it.
A conversation (cough*argument*cough) that I had on my way out the door this morning has been weighing heavily on my mind all day.
It had to do with sacrifices. Isnt that what a relationship is about? Isnt that what being with someone is about? Loving someone is about putting their needs ahead of your own. But I dont feel as if you should have to give up a part of yourself to be with someone. Or that the sacrificing should be a one way street.
I'm getting frustrated. I'm slowly slipping to end of my rope with him. The minute things arent going his way, he pulls the I'll just move somewhere else card on me. That's fine. I need more security in my relationship than that.
We were talking yesterday about sacrifices that you make to be with someone and make them happy. He said that a person shouldnt have to sacrifice themselves to be with someone. I highly disagree.
There's an extent to which those sacrfices are healthy. Me asking him to go to sleep earlier so that we can spend the greater part of the evening together...not that much of a sacrifice on his part. But you'd have thought I asked him for the world wrapped in silk.
I told him that when things between us stopped being fun, I was going to walk. I have my tennis shoes in hand, but I dont know where I'm going.
I know that I need so much more out of this than he's willing to give me. He's more than able to, he just chooses not to.
And I dont think any of the things I need are preposterous requests. All I'm asking from him is time. I already told him this morning that I cant spend another minute sitting around while he's sleeping. I'm going to start getting out of the house, even if it is without him.
I'd prefer it to be with him, but that doesnt seem to be happening. I get depressed when I am sitting in that house...alone. Because the truth is, even when he's there I'm still alone because he's sleeping.
And I dont think many other women would put up with this for as long as I have.
You're going to be a lonely man, Charlie Brown.