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And if I fall, I will find a way back to my hands...I'm the only one that can help me find my feet again
Written at 7:27 p.m. on Wednesday, May. 21, 2003

First, I have to give credit where credit is due...

You and You...you two rock! You just dont know what your notes and guestbook messages mean to me. You two take the gold, man!

I am trying to keep myself busy. I figure if I keep moving, I wont have time to stop and think. I dont think I'm doing a good job at it, though.

I came home tonight to an empty (almost) house. He was here, still is. But he's in his room with the door shut. I hate the line that's been drawn right down the center of my house. The one down the center of my heart is the one that hurts most.

I want to cry. Really, I do. I keep feeling it welling up and about to slip past my eyelids, but I'm fighting it. I've been winning so far, but the fight keeps getting harder. The only thing keeping me going right now is the daydream that this is tearing him up as much as it me...even if only by half.

But like I said...trying to keep myself busy. Tonight, I go to that two hour massage from one of my accounts. Trust me...I need it, I deserve it...and I'll be damned if I wont enjoy it.

Tomorrow, I am meeting up with "MsAngelic" after work to go to the tattoo parlor. "MsTornado" is going to meet us there when she gets off work. I've been thinking about getting one for a long time, but I've always been too chicken. Needles petrify me. Its bad enough I get a shot every thursday.

I've been thinking alot about what I want to get. I've actually put alot of thought into it. And I think I've decided on it. I want to get a shorthand symbol that says I love you. There's two reason for it.

1. My mother. Whenever she sends me a card or writes me a letter, she always signs it with that symbol. She's been doing it since I was little and she still does. It's a way for me to carry her with me even though she's three thousand miles away.

2. Because of what it means...I love you. I'm hoping that if I can have a constant reminder on me, I will start remembering to love myself. I've been forgetting to do that alot lately. And I'm going to start remembering even if I have to tattoo it on my forehead. I need to start thinking about me a little more often.

So that's my agenda for the next two days. Dont know what I'm gonna do after that. He's home tomorrow night, so I'm going to try not to be here.

I feel like such an idiot. I've been expending so much time and energy on this man (who doesnt deserve either one) that I've neglected my friends severely. I feel like such a fair-waethered friend calling on them now when I need them after not being there for so long. Let me say, I've seen the error of my ways.

I have such a headache right now and just want to crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep. Instead, I'm going to get my ass up, get in the shower and go get that massage.

This isnt the end of the world. Life will go on...right>

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